


Beautiful Wreck

by WretchedThorium



Series: The Girl with the... [4]
Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, Heavy Angst, PREATH - Freeform, like for real, some o'solo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-05
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-09-06 14:41:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 33,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8756596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WretchedThorium/pseuds/WretchedThorium
Summary: The trials and tribulations of Christen Press as she rummages through the mess she made with her relationship with the beautiful game, and Tobin Heath. The Girl with the Red and White Gloves AU.





	1. An Olympian Doesn't Like Being Ignored

**Author's Note:**

> "And all of this self-deprecation, only you can climb yourself out if it, Chris. I've knocked and knocked on the door and you _still_ won't let me in."

\--

Don't text this girl: wow Chris, have we really reached this point? I'm not even good enough for a goodbye? [11:30am]

Christen looked down at her phone and saw the message pop up on the screen and sighed loudly after she read it. 

“What's up?” Ali got pulled out of her zoned out thoughts and slowly turned her head to inspect Christen’s face. “You look like you want to throttle Alex Morgan’s throat or take a bitch out or something...” 

Christen sighed again. 

“Well, that's _not_ a no.” Ali chuckled. 

“Al, what did I do wrong?” Christen asked thoughtfully. 

“When? What are you talking about?”

“In..life. In general. What did I do wrong? Why am I...” She slammed her hand on the steering wheel and looked out at the buildings that they were passing by. “Why am I not good enough?”

For Ali, it was hard. _How am I supposed to answer this? How am I supposed to tell one of Stanford’s top scorers that when it came to that position that it was luck of the draw? That this sport is beautiful, yet cruel, and that sometimes there were factors not in your control?_

“I don't know, babe.” Ali quietly whispered. 

“I hate this sport. I hate what it has done to me.” Christen muttered. 

Ali kept her mouth shut the rest of the ride to the airport. 

When the forward helped her with her bags and gave her a tight hug, Ali finally offered her thoughts. 

“Maybe, you need to find out why you loved it.” Ali said thoughtfully. 

“Huh?”

“Soccer. Maybe you need to go back and find out why you loved it. Or go away and remember what it was that made you love it in the first place.” Ali offered. 

She thanked her friend for the ride and waved goodbye as she entered the airport. 

\--

“Chris, you're in the box! Finish it!” Radcliffe yelled. 

She rolled her eyes and groaned. 

“I wanted to get rid of her!” Christen yelled back. 

“You're not put up there to dance with the ball! You are there to finish it!” he threw back. 

“I have two defenders on me! What, I'm not allowed to throw them off to get a better shot?!”

“You're supposed to use your strength! Which is technical one touch finishing kid!”

Christen took the pinny she had on and threw it on the ground. She marched to the sideline, grabbed her bag, and didn't look back on the way out when Kelley called her name. 

_I can carry the ball. I'm not huge of a fuckup. I don't usually lose it. I made it to the team. You can stop questioning my every move and what I choose to do with it. I'm the player. There is a reason you're the coach and on the sideline, and I'm the one running up and down a field for 120 minutes. Get off my back. Stop calling my name. Stop putting me in these drills. Fucking drop me if you’re going to berate me in front of the team._

The forward made her way to the library to regenerate in the silence that the dust of the pages of books could only create. Plus, it was the closest building to the fields for her to take refuge from her embarrassment and shame.

_It doesn't matter that I'm about to pass Kelley up in scoring. It doesn't matter that I'm the master of one type of way of scoring. I need to be diversified. I need to be dynamic. I need to be a monster in the box. I have to learn how to either 1) Be Abby or 2) Be someone who can work off of her. I need to get a grip. I need to be better. I need to be the best. I need, I need, I need._

The forward sat on at a table with her soccer bag on sitting in front of her to hide her face as she zoned out and continued to berate and punish herself. She stared out onto the table and rocked back and forth slightly while she pretended to read the words on the page in a book. She was actually reading that repeated words of the self loathing script that she had scribed into the matter of her brain. 

She managed to move her legs and get herself a cup of coffee, but the caffeine failed to circulate her body and pretty soon she was nodding off and her eyelids were drooping and her brain finally shut off. The only way she could get a break from the self inflicted torment. 

\--

Don't text this girl: I really need to talk to you. I want to fix this. I've said before and I'll say it again, what happened with us???? What did I do? [6:12pm]

Don't text this girl: how did we end up being two people who can't figure out a way to exist in the same room? [6:13pm]

\--

Christen looked at her vibrating phone to see Ann’s face pop up. She wiped the crust from her eyes to look at the obnoxious device, but her blood ran cold. She had completely forgotten her and Kelley's shortened conversation earlier that day during practice before she had stormed out. 

“Fuck.” She muttered to herself. She answered it. 

“Hey.” Christen said as she stuffed her textbook into her bag. 

Silence. 

Christen looked at her phone. The call was still on. 

“Ann?”

She heard a rustle. 

“Did you know?” Ann asked. It was quiet and rhetorical and Christen could feel the sadness and betrayal that wreaked Ann’s voice. 

“I...yeah.” Christen breathed out. 

Silence. 

“I-I-I don't know exactly what happened. I...don't know anything. I...”

“But you knew that something may have happened. That I looked like an idiot the whole time.”

“Ann. What happened?” Christen started to panic. 

“Chris. Can you please come over and get her stuff? And her? I need you to just make this easy for me. Please, you owe me.” Ann said with strength.

The forward rummaged through her soccer bag for her keys, and then sprinted all the way back to the parking lot by the fields to drive to Ann’s apartment. 

She found Kelley banging on the door of Ann’s apartment by the time she got there. 

“ANN, I SAID I'M SORRY, PLEASE DON’T IGNORE ME. OPEN THIS DOOR NOW!” Christen watched from afar as Kelley continued to pound the door with her fists, but noticed that Kelley’s tone was escalating to anger. 

“Hey, hey, hey. Stop.” Christen urged when she managed to pull Kelley back by the shirt. “Get back, you psycho.”

Kelley whipped around and looked like she was going to charge her fellow forward, but once she recognized who it was, she invaded the personal bubble of Christen Press and buried herself in her chest. 

Christen let Kelley grab bunches of her Stanford jacket and pulled it towards her own body as she sobbed. She watched with calculating eyes as Kelley slid down her own body and Christen managed to catch her before her knees hit the ground. 

“Kell, c’mon.” 

“Put me out of my misery, Chris.” Kelley growled. And before Christen could BEGIN to react, to process ANY of the events that had occurred, she felt Kelley's lips aggressively capturing her own. Her best friend’s hands were _pulling_ her close. 

And Christen had to admit, it had been a _long time_ since someone had touched her, and caressed her, and came even close to touching her skin the way Kelley was expertly doing. 

It felt so good. But-

“Stop.” Christen wiped her lips and pushed her best friend away. 

“Stop. I want you.” Kelley glued her lips to Christen’s neck. 

“No no no no no. Stop Kell!” Christen pushed her off. “Get your fucking shit together!”

Christen wiped the saliva on her neck off and stared at her wreck of a best friend with a look of disgust. 

“Don't reject me, CP. I don't need that now.” Kelley growled as she grabbed her best friend’s hips. 

“STOP.” 

Christen slapped her in the face. 

Their heavy breathing filled the air as Kelley touched the rapidly forming red spot on her cheek. 

“Stay in my fucking car, and don't leave. I'm. Fucking. Serious.” Christen threatened. She threw her keys at her friend. 

“I'm sorry.” Kelley whispered. 

“I'm not dealing with you. Right now. There's something- someone else who needs my help right now.” Christen tried to reign in her composure. Because she was about to blow a gasket. 

“I'm your best friend. ME.” Kelley pushed. 

“And you fucked up. And I'm here picking up the pieces. AGAIN. Like I did back then. Like I'm the only one around, WHO’S GOT THEIR SHIT TOGETHER!” Christen yelled. Her voice echoed and bounced off the walls on the outside of the apartments. 

_God, Kelley. You're fucking up in more ways than one._

They stared at each other. 

“Just go in the car.” Christen said softly as she wiped the frustration from her face. She made her way to Ann’s door and knocked when she heard Kelley's footsteps drag across the ground. 

\--

“You knew.”

“Ann..”

“Not just this weekend. Not just THIS time. You knew who she was and you knew that this was the girl that Kelley never talks about.”

“I..”

“No. I'm not asking this time. I'm just telling you. Just like I'm telling you to take her stuff and get it out of my sight and for you two to never come back here.” Ann waved her hand and pointed at the box full of Kelley's shit. 

“No, I'm still your friend.” Christen said fiercely. 

Ann looked at her. The sneer formed within the creases of her cheeks. 

“Save it.” Ann said strongly. “You know. And I know. So let me just...fucking... unlove Kelley.” The wave of sadness crashed in Ann’s body and she sat down to stabilize herself. “Please. Let me not be the one that looks like an idiot any longer. You owe me that.”

“I'm sorry.” Christen pleaded. 

“I can't do anything with that, Chris.” Ann shook her head. 

“Kelley loves you.”

“I can't do anything with that either.”

\--

“I'm sorry!” Kelley yelled once Christen had thrown the box at her feet in front of the sorority house. 

“Don't you ever fucking do that to me again.” Christen pointed her finger at her to shoot her heart, but quickly turned around to go back to her car. She could hear Kelley following her. “You can't just treat me like that. You can't just use me to mask whatever shit you have going on inside of you!”

“CP. I shouldn't have done that. I wasn't thinking-”

“YOU NEVER FUCKING THINK when it comes to cheating on your girlfriends!” Christen yelled out. 

And Kelley looked truly hurt. 

“I know.” Kelley looked down at her feet.

“Make up your fucking mind O’Hara! First, with Hope, it was that you didn't want to involve me. And NOW with Ann, you want to throw me in the mix?? Why are you such a FUCKUP???”

“I'm sorry.” Kelley reached out for Christen’s hand. 

But she pulled her hand away. 

“I can't handle THIS.” She pointed at her best friend up and down. “I can't handle you! For fucks sake!”

She spun on her heel and made her way to her car. She didn't look back. 

\--

“I just want you to listen. I don't need you to tell me what I did wrong or what I should have done, or any of that shit. I just need you to be on the receiving end of the FUCKING craziness that is occupying my mind and tearing me apart. Sound good??” 

“Sounds good.” Tobin said. 

“So Kelley and Hope slept together.”

“Well, duh.” Tobin said with a chuckle. 

“I just...What did I.. what did I just say, Tobs?”

“Sorry. I'm not talking. Continue.” 

“So they slept together. And yes, we all knew that it was going to happen. And I knew it was going to happen the minute I saw Hope. So maybe...just like the last time...I could have prevented all of this. I could have just taken Kelley home. I could have stopped what I knew what was going to happen. I had another chance. And.. I fucked up. I stayed quiet about it, AGAIN. And Ann called me and told me to come pick up Kelley's stuff and I found her banging on her door. And when I go to calm her down, Kelley starts kissing me and I'm like ‘what the fuck...’”

“Whoa wait..you and Kelley...?”

“Yeah. And I push her off and start yelling at her and I even slapped her and then Ann basically told me to fuck off and that she never wants to see me again. And I just felt it, Tobs. I felt such fucking sadness and regret because she was amazing. Just like Hope was. And she didn't deserve it. Just like Hope didn't.

“And then I yelled at Kelley and told her I was DONE. And I called her a fuckup, and I think that I'm about to have a brain aneurysm from the fucking high blood pressure I'm sure I'm experiencing right now! I need to take a breath. I FUCKING hate Kelley for putting me in these shitty fucking situations. She's even made me fucking get off my high horse and call the girl that I've been an absolute cunt to because I have no idea who else to talk to!!!”

Christen took in large intake of breath, while she heard Tobin's unfairly beautiful chuckle come through the speaker on her phone. 

“God, and now I'm feeling so fucking guilty and miserable knowing that you're gracious enough to listen to me ramble and bitch. I think I'm going to explode.” Christen admitted.

“Don't explode, CP. You're getting in your protective mood over Ann, and you're mom mood over Kelley.” Tobin’s voice came in so smoothly. 

“Yeah a mom who just made out with her supposed daughter.” Christen cringed. 

“You're telling me that you didn't enjoy it one bit?” She could hear the smirk in the midfielder’s voice. 

“Ew, stop.”

“From what I hear, Kell’s a lady killer. Gots the moves.” Tobin joked. 

“I'm hanging up now.”

“Alright alright. I'll cool it.” Tobin surrendered. “Sounds like Kelley is going back to her old ways...”

“BUT WHY?? Why is she pulling this shit again? And with me?”

“CP. You're a genius. Have you really not figured this out, yet?”

“I'm not a genius, Tobin. Don't you know my grades?” Christen pushed back. 

“C’mon. This isn't a phone call to throw yourself pity party.”

“Why? I have them all of the time.” Christen admitted.

“Because it's boring and drab and I'd rather not continue this narrative with you.” Tobin said simply. “Blah blah blah you hate yourself, whatever. I'd rather talk about you making out with Kelley.”

Christen rolled her eyes, but she couldn't help the way her lips were starting to turn up into a little smirk.

“You're an ass.” 

“And you're a genius. So you should know that to Kelley, you're her savior. And she cares about what you think above everyone else. So...she probably wanted your... _reassurance_ that she was doing the right thing in breaking up with Ann.”

“But why? Why does Kelley pull this shit?!”

“Remember back when it was Hope and Adam? She had no one. Who did she go for...reassurance and comfort when Hope had dumped her ass?”

“Adam...”

“Yeah.” Tobin said in a tone that meant that it should have been a no-brainer, “And what did she do with him?”

“Okay I get your point.” Christen said. “But I'm not even sure she did break up with Ann.” Christen said slowly. “But I don't know...I guess..what you're saying is...maybe...accurate.”

“Communication majors can be smart, too.” Tobin offered. 

“True. But I only agree with that because I am one.” Christen offered. 

She slowly realized that she was smiling, while on the phone with Tobin Heath. 

“I'm sorry. I'm here blabbing about myself, while you're...off living the dream, being a badass. Going to the Olympics. I'm...being stupid.”

“Oh? How so?” Tobin said with a bemused tone. 

Christen chuckled. 

“I'm...taking my frustrations out on you. I'm...not being fair. You just happen to be the victim of my...unhappiness.” Christen said slowly and thoughtfully. “I feel like an apology is not enough.” She hung her head. 

“You know, CP. A really well written apology from a communications major from _Stanford_ would be epic.” Tobin joked. 

“Why are you like this?” Christen said softly. It was laden with wonder, regret, and self hatred. 

“Like what?” Tobin said, equally as soft. 

Christen ran her fingers along her her brows and she traced her lips, searching for the right words to tell the girl. 

“So sweet,” Christen breathed out. “And caring and FUCKING IDIOTICALLY still giving me chances. Why do you keep coming back at me with kindness and smiles and...love? Why do you keep giving me that?”

Silence. 

“Tobs, I'm broken and miserable and nothing you say is going to...FUCKING FIX ME!”

“You don't need fixing.” Tobin's voice came quietly on the receiver. 

“Yes I do! This is why we aren't together. This is why I can't look at you. Because I'm not me- or even more accurate, this IS ME. This is the best I can give! And it's not enough. Not for you, not for my country, and certainly, not enough for...me.”

Christen inhaled to catch her breath. 

“Listen. Forgive Kelley. Your opinion means the world to her. I know that for a fact.” Tobin said with strength. “And all of this self-deprecation, only you can climb yourself out if it, Chris. I've knocked and knocked on the door and you _still_ won't let me in.” She finished with a defeated tone. 

“I didn't ask you to!” Christen threw back. 

“Yeah but I still did.”

“Why?!?”

“CP...I'm still in love with you. That's not a secret. You know that. At least you should. And if you pulled your head out of this black hole, you could come up with the answer to your question in two seconds.” Tobin's voice was soothing and lazy, again. 

The breath in the forward’s throats got caught and she was left slightly imbalanced, but she quickly regained her composure. 

“But I don't deserve this, You shouldn't be-”

“STOP. I'm tired, Chris. I just got back from training. So I'm going to stop this. But before I let you go, I'm going to tell you that you can't control me. So. Stop. Trying. Only focus on what you can control. Which is your outlook on life, and your game. I love you. That's not going to stop. No matter what you do.”

\--

Christen woke up to the sensation of her bed being slightly shaken from presence of an added weight on the other side of her bed. 

“Kell...” Christen groaned. 

“I brought coffee.” Kelley said in a soft and begging tone. 

“Fine.” 

She threw the covers off of her body, the ones used to cloak herself in her despondency. She was met with an earnest Kelley, who was holding a cup in her hand and meekly keeping her body in the corner, waiting for her friend to beckon her.

Christen took the cup and downed it. 

“Chris...I didn't mean for this to happen-”

“Kell, you and I both know you have the hots for me.” Christen smirked and then groaned as she pulled her body up from her position and situated herself right next to Kelley. 

“True. But I would never subject you to the horrible experience of dating me.” Kelley smirked, back. It was quickly replaced with a truly broken expression.

“Oh, I'm not that dumb. I would never agree to that hot mess.” Christen said as she nudged her best friend in the arm.

They both smiled at each other. 

“I'm screwing up, again.” Kelley didn't break her gaze when she said the truth. 

Christen nodded. And then added, “But in what way? How are you screwing up? Do you know?”

“I cheated on Ann.”

“Okay...” Christen said, waiting for Kelley to get to the right answer.

“And then I fucking..” Kelley couldn't help the little smile tugging on her mouth, “attacked your face, and brought you into this mess.”

“Well you're right about screwing up. But.. you knew-you know that you were going to cheat on Ann.”

Kelley held her gaze. 

“You. And. I. Both. Know.” Christen said strongly. 

Kelley ran her hands through her scalp. There was no denial, but there was a resistance to accept. A resistance to fall prey to the admittance that since she had seen Hope, she felt like she could breath easier. An exhale of a breath she knew she had been holding for all of these years, and a restoration of balance in one’s life ensued.

But it was still hard to accept. Because Ann was everything. Her salvation, her home, and her comfort from the beast in her nightmares that terrorized her with threats of regret and mistakes. 

And it was..painful. To do this AGAIN. To do this to someone who didn't deserve it. AGAIN. 

“It was going to happen.” Christen said softly. 

“Am I that much of a cheater? Am I really that horrible?”

“No, babe.” Christen held her close. “You just are that much in love with Hope.”

\--

“Where are you going to go?”

“I'm going to make things right with Ann.”

“I doubt that she wants to see you.”

“I don't care.”

“Of course you don't.” Christen smirked. 

“I owe her.”

“You do.”

“I can't keep making mistakes like this.”

“You can't. But I don't know if she will even listen to you...”

“I'll do everything I can.” Kelley got on her feet, and Christen sat up. 

“What makes you so sure she'll give in to you.”

“I loved her as much as I did in the beginning.” Kelley looked down at her feet. 

“I loved her as much as I did in the beginning.” She repeated even more softly. “It just not...”

_It's just not enough._

“I get it.” Christen offered. 

When Kelley had put her hand on the doorknob to Christen’s bedroom, she turned around. 

“You may not see me this whole week.”

“Why is that?”

“I'm going to go make things right with Ann,” Christen nodded her head. “and then I'm going to go and...see Hope.”

Christen smiled. 

\--

Christen Press: How is camp? [3:23pm]

Don't text this girl: I didn't think I would ever live to see the day that Christen Press would text me back. [5:17pm]

Don't text this girl: it's hard. But I'm holding on. [5:18pm] 

Christen Press: good. Good luck. [5:24pm]

\--

Christen Press: Kelley and Hope are shacking it up. Kell hasn't been to practice all week. I think it's safe to assume that everything is going well. [3:15pm]

Don't text this girl: that's gross. I just had this image of those two... you owe me for that. [6:23pm]

Christen Press: fine...what do I owe you? [6:24pm]

Don't text this girl: a chance to be your friend. [6:25pm]

Don’t text this girl: just a chance, Ceep. I'm not even asking for a guarantee. [9:37pm]

\--

Kell: I love her. I think that I'm going to explode. [11:30am]

CP: just remember that she still is living overseas. [11:55am]

Kell: she told me that SHE WILL COME BACK. [12:30pm]

CP: As long as it’s what’s best for her. [1:45pm]

\--

Don't text this girl: an Olympian doesn't like being ignored.../: [2:45pm]

Christen Press: oh so now we are going to use the Olympian card. [4:21pm]

Don't text this girl: it means nothing if I can't use it to get a pretty lady to do my bidding. [4:23pm]

Christen Press: what do you want Heath...? [4:32pm]

Don't text this girl: a chance to be your friend. I'm not going to wait long for a response Christen Press. [4:59pm]

\--

So Christen did the thing she would never do. She did something without thinking. 

_Thinking is hard, and draining. And in no way cathartic. It’s stalling, yet disruptive, and where the hell has it gotten me? Definitely not a 4.0 GPA...Why am I thinking now, wtf? Shutup, self._

She threw a bag into the back of her car, turned the key in the ignition, checked the fuel levels, put her destination in her phone, and then turned off her brain while she listened to a meditation and chill playlist through the speakers of her car, and drove into the night.

She wished that she could have thought to do this during the day so that she could drive along the freeway and absorb all of the state’s beauty in this trek, but then she cursed herself for thinking, for regretting, for chastising. Because this act, her getting in the car to drive many miles in the night was for healing, not for whatever the fuck she has been doing for four straight years.

Plus, the darkness of the night making love to the brightness of the moon was creating a soothing and sensual experience as she watched the yellow line markers in the road pass her by.

_I don’t want to think. I don’t want to think._

That’s all that she allowed herself to say in that troublesome psyche of hers. But soon, the time in between the repetitions were lengthening and her muscles were relaxing, and for the first time in a long time, Christen’s shoulders were relaxing.

No one was on the road, except her and her headlights. Pretty soon, her brain was quiet, and settled.

Even when she pulled up to the hotel that was actually called Hotel California in Santa Monica, her brain was quiet. She got the room key, pulled all of her stuff out of her car, and then got into her room. She didn’t even panic when a strange looking man had been standing near her car. She figured that since it was LA, this was just normal. She locked the door, took a shower, and then fell asleep, wanting tomorrow to just start.

\--

“Why are you not here?!? I need you!” Kelley’s sobs came through her earbuds. Christen slowed her pace when she realized that Kelley was genuinely distraught.

“I..uh..I’m in LA. I just took a trip. What’s up, what happened??”

She stood in the parking lot while she listened to Kelley tell her all about the best thing she could have done for Hope.

“It was the right thing to do.” Christen said slowly.

“Then, I’m proud of you.”

“No, Kell. It’s not stupid. You did the right thing.”

“I’m...I’ll be back..I don’t know when...I don’t know...so what, I miss a few classes...no I haven’t told him yet...Just. I’ll tell you all about it later...No! Because I don’t want to think about it, so just let me do it..yes I can fucking make decisions impulsively...ugh, you’re annoying..but I’ll be back. Okay? I’ll be there for you..K, loser bye.”

The forward let the sound of her own breathing echo in the noise cancelling ear buds sooth her as she carried her now jelly-like legs as she crossed the parking lot. Running around Cal State to delay whatever the fuck she was planning on doing, had not been a good idea. And seeing the US. Soccer bus in the parking lot was making her reconsider everything.

_What the fu....What am I doing?_

The bus was completely empty, and the team must have been inside the Stubhub Center, but it wasn’t until she saw the bus that she started to have some serious doubts. It was when she started to realize, and think. She stood in her spot, deciding, deliberating, and debating. _Should I wait, should I stay? Do I look like an idiot? Yes, I do._

She was super thankful that the National team was in the swing of their session. She placed her hands on the lattices of the chain link fence and could see a group of women in red training shirts kicking around a ball, in the narrow view she had in between the barriers of the stadium.

_I’m here, on the opposite side of this sham of a barrier. That should be me. In this life, I wasn’t meant to be out here. I was meant to be there._

She just watched. To an outsider, she could have just been a random jogger who had caught sight into a random practice and was just watching. An outsider would have never known that this was national, collegiate super star, who was filling her body with anguish with every minute that she stood by this fence.  
And it wasn’t even this fucking fence that she was growing to resent. Because if you broke it down, Christen was athletic enough to climb it and join this group. If she really wanted to achieve her dream, she could just crash this practice and for a second, experience what it was like. But that wasn’t the real dream. Not really. The dream wasn’t to be able to kick a ball around on the soccer field with the best players in the country. 

It was to BE one of them.

“Christen?”

_Fuck._

She turned her face away from the direction that the voice came in from, and the recognition of that particular voice sent shivers down her spine.

“Chris! Hey, it’s Alex.”

The other forward was walking up to her with a roll of pink pre-wrap in her hand, with a cautious and hesitant expression laden along her features.

“Hey....” Christen said slowly, and cringed at the fact that Alex Morgan had caught her.

“Sup, dude. Whatcha doing here?” Alex asked. It was a light and curious tone.

“I...” Christen hesitated. She looked at the ground, at Alex, and then back at the ground. She wiped the sweat from her face, and tried to come up with a smart and witty answer. But she resigned, because Alex was better, Alex was smarter (she assumed), and there was no way Christen was going to win this battle.

“I don’t know.” It was in a defeated tone.

“Are you here to see, Tobs?” Alex pointed in the direction of the stadium.

A million emotions flashed through Christen’s face. Alex couldn’t decipher them all, but the pain, the fear, the hesitance, and the embarrassment were all readable.

“I..I don’t know.” Christen admitted.

Alex gave her a small smile.

“Listen, Alex. I shouldn’t be here. Um....” Christen reached so hard to find a way to save face. “I..C-can you..um..not..Can you pretend like you didn’t see me?”

Alex chuckled.

“Sure. But on one condition.”

“Okay...”

“Have coffee, or dinner, or whatever with me. We have day off tomorrow.” There was a smirk in Alex Morgan’s face, and it wasn’t asked with brightness and excitement, but knowledge that Christen was here for a reason, and that maybe she needed someone to talk to. When Christen didn’t immediately respond, Alex said, “Listen, I don’t know why you’re in LA, but I know that you didn’t make this trip to just be out here for a day. And I know you’re not here to see _me_ , but I’m pretty good company.”

“Why are you out here?” Christen changed the subject when she couldn’t handle Alex’s stare.

“I forgot my pre-wrap in the bus.” She pointed at the large vehicle beside them.

“What? None of your teammates have any?” Christen asked in disbelief.

“None have pink pre-wrap.”

“I’m pretty sure that Cal’s colors don’t have pink in it.”

Alex smirked.

“It’s a ritual of mine. What can I say?” She shrugged playfully.

“Alex?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you..please not tell Tobin I was here?” To Christen, it was a futile request. She knew that she was best friends with Tobin and that the chances of her keeping her mouth shut were nil. But, she was surprised when no sign of confusion of disbelief had crossed Alex’s face. It was only understanding. Alex nodded.

“So coffee? Tomorrow at like 8?” Alex asked.

\--

“This is a long way to go for coffee.” Christen said.

“Are you telling me that you don’t want to enjoy a cup with me on the beach?” Alex smirked.

_It’s not the drink, it’s not the location, but it’s the company._

“Can you just tell me to my face that you don’t like me.” Alex said softly as they walked slowly down the hill that led to Manhattan Beach’s pier.

_Okay, I was right. She’s smart._

“Listen, I’m not stupid. And Tobs is my best friend. And I do have eyes you know. I can see how much you hate me.”

“It’s not that I hate you...I just..”

Christen looked over at her, and met her stare.

“Hate you.”

Alex danced in celebration.

“I knew it.” They both smirked at each other.

When Alex’s laughter died down, she said, “I guess I shouldn’t celebrate being right, because it’s pretty obvious.”

“I’ve never said anything bad to you! I mean this past weekend was the first time I’ve ever talked to you.”

“You didn’t even talk to me then.” Alex added as she took a sip of her coffee.

“So how is it obvious??” Christen asked in disbelief.

“Uhh... the fact that you haven’t talked to me. That’s EXACTLY it. Even Kelley talks to me and we are technically fighting for the same spot in a 4-5-1” Alex said with a knowing smirk.

“Sorry..” Christen shook her head. She had been in her head so much that this was new information. 

“No you’re not.” Alex said softly. “And I don’t expect you to.” She then sat herself in the sand and took another sip of her drink, looked out into the ocean, and then waited for her fellow forward to sit down next to her.

“Okay..” Christen said with a furrowed brow and a body buzzing with confusion.

“Listen, Chris. I’m going to call you Chris. I don’t want you to say sorry, because there’s nothing to be sorry about. You’re pissed and I would be, too. You’re record at that horrendous school of yours, is..beyond anything I have done in my college years. I hate having to hear about the scoring powerhouses across the bay. I HATE hearing about Kelley’s accomplishments. I hate hearing about the greatest ‘technical finisher’ all of the time. Okay? I’m aware of the competition.” 

They both took a sip.

“And if I were you, I wouldn’t apologize. Because I’m not going to apologize. And you know why.” Again, they looked at each other square in the eye. “The same level of competition exists in you, like it does in me. And if we were switched, you know that you wouldn’t apologize for where you have ended up.”

Christen nodded.

“I’m right.”

Christen smiled.

“You are.”

“But, I don’t hate you.” Alex said softly. “I hate hearing about you. But I don’t hate you. In fact...I fear you.”

“Why?”

“Don’t make me feed your ego. Because I’m not going to do it.” Alex smirked.

Silence fell between them and it kissed their skin just like the salty breeze that whipped around them as they sat on the end of the earth. 

“You know, this thing between you and Tobs..it seems pretty freaking simple to me.” Alex said as she put down her now-empty cup into the sand.

Christen groaned.

“There’s nothing between us. She has a girlfriend.”

“And you? Do you have a girlfriend?”

The Stanford girl laughed. Hard.

“The last person I kissed was Kelley.” She continued to laugh into her cup. Because she had forgotten this fact, and now as she threw it out so casually, it was just straight up hilarious.

“Wait...KO?? Like Kelley O’Hara? But I didn’t know-I thought she was with Ann..”

“No, she’s not with Ann. She dumped Kelley HARDCORE.” Christen said before she chugged the rest of the lukewarm liguid.

“Wait, I was just there-”

“Morgan, there’s a lot of drama that you missed out on, okay? Too much to tell you.”

“Well, Ash kinda told me...but it didn’t involve YOU and Kelley...”

Christen shook her head.

“No. Kelley’s just a little shit. It’s not like that. I just-yes, I kinda have a girlfriend, to answer your question.”

Alex looked on thoughtfully onto the water.

“Interesting...the way you use the word ‘kinda’...”

\--

“This doesn’t make us best friends.” Christen said with a smirk.

“Pshh. Christen Press, I just picked you up in my car, and am driving you to an event that I bought tickets for. This doesn’t make you my best friend, this makes you my date.” Alex smirked.

Christen rolled her eyes. “You sound like Kelley.”

“Shit, I’m so much better than Kelley. Man, if I was lesbian, I’d be drowning in the pussy.” Alex said as a rap song played in the radio of her car.

_Oh._

“Oh..so..you’re not...”

“Unfortunately.” Alex said with a grimace. “Because if I was...so much action dude.” Christen liked this cool and confident humor. It was the total opposite of a prissy and spoiled Alex Morgan that she had in her head.

“You’re not fooling me, you seem like the relationship type.”

“Ugh, I am. It’s annoying.” Alex rolled her eyes.

“So that makes you one of the basic straights.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m not cool enough.”

\--

“You know, I kind of feel guilty for supporting a men’s team. But these tickets were free.” Alex said as she put a nacho into her mouth.

“What the fuck? You said you bought these..” Christen said with a mock-hurt face.

Alex shrugged. “So I got them for free because it was USSF’s way to promote our upcoming friendly. Same thing. ESPN will get a shot of me, so I hope you look good.” She looked at her companion and then shrugged.

Christen’s mouth dropped open.

“What?? You didn’t tell me-” She sputtered.

“Calm your tits, Press. It’s going to be like a 10 second shot of me while some TV announcer reads off the time and details of the game. Chill. I forgot the jalapenos. Sit tight, because I can’t eah this shit without the Jalaps.”

Half-annoyed, yet half-amused at Alex’s quirkiness, the Stanford forward pulled out her phone to look at herself. 

_Fuck, I wasn’t prepared for this. 10 seconds is a long time to see my nappy hair and my lack of makeup. Plus, I’m in a hoodie. Dammit, I would have appreciated a heads up, or-_

“Is this seat taken?”

Her phone fell into her lap when she looked up and realized who had asked.

\--

That smile. It was still so mesmerizing.

“Uh..Alex Morgan may beat your ass if you sit in her seat.”

“I’m not afraid of her.” Tobin said lazily and then sunk into the seat next to Christen and smiled. There eyes were glued to each other.

“What are you doing here?” It was a breathless question that seemed really silly coming from her.

“I’m sitting here. With you. But I guess the real question is: What are _you_ doing here?”

Christen smiled and the words were hesitant to escape from her smiling lips. Because whenever Tobin smiled, you had to smile back. 

“I’m watching an LA Galaxy game...with my favorite person, Alex Morgan.” Christen said with a smirk.

“I thought I was your favorite person.” Tobin reached over and drank from the soda that was on Christen’s cupholder. Christen watched her to do it with narrowed eyes.

“You have a lot of nerve drinking from my drink, Tobin Heath.” Christen said with a dark, but humorous tone.

“You have a lot of nerve, coming all the way to LA to see me, Christen Press.” Tobin said softly. The forward’s face filled with an ounce of fear and a cup of embarrassment. She couldn’t lie, couldn’t deny.

The ref blew the whistle to signal the start of the game.

“The game started, let’s watch.” Tobin said excitedly.

\--

For the first 30 minutes, Christen sank into her chair and let herself do what she wasn’t supposed to do. She let her brain think.

_How does she know that I’m here to see her? Is she just joking? Is she just assuming? I mean, for all she knows, I really could have been down here to make amends with Alex or something. I could have been down here to spend some days with Hope. She doesn’t know that she’s gone back to France. Unless Alex told her...yeah...she probably told her. I can’t blame her..I would have told Kelley..or..i don’t know...I’m pretty good at keeping secrets from Kelley..not saying it’s a good thing, but it’s possible. Maybe Alex didn’t tell her. Maybe the whole team is here and Tobin just spotted me. Maybe-_

“Can you stop thinking so much? I can’t hear the game.” Tobin said as she swatted Christen in the thigh.

The forward was pulled out of her thoughts.

“I-Did I-Was I-”

“No, but I can read the paragraphs of what you’re telling yourself in your head, on your face, CP. Can you just relax and watch this football match with me?” Tobin asked quietly.

“ ‘Football’ and ‘relax’ doesn’t make sense to me. They should never be in the same sentence.” The forward said as she shook her head.

Tobin leaned forward and the ever so slowly grabbed her by the chin with her pointer and her thumb. “You are such a beautiful wreck. I wish you would let me in.” She whispered. 

And it wasn’t meant to be an insult. The forward could tell by the sad smile and the softening features of Tobin’s face. The midfielder let go but the distance between their faces stayed the same.

“I don’t want to let you in. Not when I’m like this.”

“So _when_ are you going to let me in?” Tobin asked with strength. She turned in her chair so that her whole body was facing the forward. “CP, please.”

“When I’m...”

“When you’re what?”

“Whole. When I’m whole.” Christen admitted.

“Then why are you here?” Tobin challenged. 

“Where is Alex?” The forward asked, desperately wanting a change in subject.

“Alex is in the top box with the rest of the team. So why are you here?”

“Did you know that I was coming?” Christen asked.

“Of course I knew you were coming. I’m the one who got this ticket!” Tobin pushed.

_Last time I trust Alex Morgan..._

“You know what. I’m not going to ask you why you’re here. Because I already know.” Tobin said simply. She turned her whole body back to the field, and confidently rested her feet in the back of the seat in front of them.

“Oh, you know huh??” Christen spat.

“Mmhmm.” Tobin said with a smile.

“Why am I here, Heath? Since you got all the answers!”

Tobin smirked. And then she grabbed Christen’s hand and kept it in between her own two. Then she turned back to the game and smirked.

“You know I don’t like this ‘Heath’ business.”

The forward sat in a state of confusion while she stared at the sight of her hand in Tobin’s for a good two minutes.

She didn’t know what to say.

_What does this mean? Holding my hand..What am I supposed to gather from that? She has a girlfriend. I have a girlfriend. This doesn’t change the fact that I- Does this change anything? Perhaps, everything? Is this just casual? I know Tobs, it’s never casual. But she’s training for the Olympics, and I’m going to Sweden. I haven’t found myself yet, I haven’t-_

“Just relax, CP. Geez. Back when we were little ones and I had no idea if you would like me back, I would stress and stress and stress. Now, it’s all you, dude. Just let it go. Just enjoy. Don’t think about anything. Please. Just enjoy.” Tobin pushed gently. “Because for me personally, nothing’s better than spending a night with you.”

“I’m pretty sure, holding your girlfriend’s hand should feel better than this.”

Tobin tore away from her gaze and looked back at the men running around on the field.

“It should, shouldn’t it?”

\--

Christen watched Tobin as the midfielderdrew shapes onto her arm. It was well into the second half and they still had not let go of each other’s hands.

“What are you drawing?”

“Waves.”

“You should have came to California.”

Tobin hesitated.

“Do you think you would have still been in love with me if I did?”

Christen hesitated.

“I’m still in love with you, Tobs.” Christen softly admitted. “ I just don’t love myself.”

Tobin laced their fingers on her left hand and wrapped her right arm around Christen. They sat in silence as the last few minutes of the game elapsed. The midfielder looked at Christen’s features and studied the way her long eyelashes kissed her skin every time she blinked. Her skin was so smooth and delicate. Her face wracked with concentration and the lines around her eyes filled with affliction and exhaustion.

“I’m proud of you.” Christen said without taking her eyes off of the field.

“For what?”

“It’s the dream. You’ve got it all.” Christen smiled.

“Nah. Not all of it.” Tobin said quietly.

The game whistle blew.

\--

“Where did you go?” Christen asked with narrowed eyes.

“Tobin was in my seat. So I took hers.” Alex shrugged. “Are you going to hang out with us?” Alex nodded at the rest of the girls who were making a ruckus in the suite that overlooked the field.

It felt like pressure. In reality, (Christen’s mind didn’t exist in that) in no way was Alex pressuring her. In fact, it was a cool and calculated question.

“I kinda have to don’t I...? You drove me here..”

Tobin interjected, “I can take you where you need to go.”

Alex smirked.

“So what do you say, Press? Hang out with us, or let Prince Charming take you home?”

Tobin rolled her eyes but then smiled when Christen turned to look at her.

\--

The wind was whipping and the cool air settling while they walked down the shore with their shoes off, the sand exfoliating their feet.

“I don’t come to the beach as often as I should.” Christen said.

“Maybe you should instead of going to the library so much. Classes can’t be that hard anymore. It’s your last year.” Tobin offered.

Christen chuckled.

“I think you’re right, Tobs. Kell says that, too.”

“Look at you.” Tobin said. And she was _looking_ at Christen Press. “You’re free out here. You even laughed at something I said. That’s mind-blowing.” Tobin smirked.

“Yeah, Alex suggested that I should do yoga on the beach.”

“Did she suggest that on your coffee date?”

_Morgan...._

“Can no one on this earth keep secrets??” Christen threw her hands up.

“Hey! Give Kelley some credit. She was able to keep a fake boyfriend a secret.”

They both laughed hard at that for a really long time.

“Did you hear about O’Solo?” Christen asked.

“They're’ back together? Poor Ann, I liked her.”

“No.” Christen looked down. The shame was hard to handle. She really liked Ann, too. “Kelley told Hope to stay in France and continue focusing on her career.”

“How...mature. Of Kelley.” Tobin nodded. “Can I just do this?” A quick change of subject, and Tobin was not waiting for Christen to answer as she grabbed Christen’s hand, and her body closer to her.

“It just makes me feel better.” Tobin said quietly.

Christen let her do it, but studied the midfielder’s face.

“How are you so different?” Christen asked.

“How so?” Tobin asked as she rearranged her beanie with the hand that was not wrapped up in Christen’s.

“How are you...so sure...with this?”

“I’m not.” Tobin chuckled. The forward looked at her with bewildered disbelief.

“I’m just choosing not to think about it so hard. Because if I do, then I'm going to kill myself. And UNC students don't think that much, right?”

Christen playfully shoved her away. But she didn't skip a beat when Tobin reached for her hand again. 

“But seriously, I’m going to kill myself if I think about how much I've always wanted this..” Tobin got quiet. But they carried on. The walked side by side and continued down the shore. They did so in silence, but it was comforting. And it was filled with intimacy, touching of sun-kissed skin, and teeth that shined bright in the moonlight. 

_I love this. I love you. You're so pure and amazing and I don't think that I deserve you. Not yet. And this night. This fucking night means the world to me._

They didn't kiss. They didn't make love. But they sat in the sand and rediscovered the way their bodies drew together when no one was watching. 

“A lot has happened since you last let me see you smile.” Tobin said sadly as she ran her thumb over Christens left eyebrow. 

“Yeah, you got a girlfriend.” Christen whispered. 

Tobin shook her head. 

“I lost my best friend.” Tobin said sadly. 

“Well, I don't know where she went.” Christen said as she drew circles in the sand. 

“I don't know either.” Tobin looked out onto the black ocean. “But I'm going to wait for her to come back. Even if she’s going to Sweden. I'll wait for her.”

It wasn't until Tobin had closed the passenger side door for Christen and she jogged over to her side, when Christen’s smile faded. The momentary silence in the vehicle had negatively enraptured her. Because silence was a cold hearted bitch that lured the doubting creature that held Christen’s mind hostage. It creeped and then attacked, and then the forward was taking ten steps back from the two she took forward this evening with Tobin by her side. 

Tobin started her Jeep up, typed in the address to Christen’s hotel, and then looked over at her long time friend. They drove in a different type of silence. It was awkward. Tensed muscles sat in both seats, and there were so many blooming, unspoken questions forming in Tobin's brain. 

When they had reached the destination, and Tobin had turned off the car, Christen finally spoke. 

“This wasn't a date, was it?” Christen asked miserably as she avoided Tobin's stare. 

The midfielder looked at her sadly. 

“You have a girlfriend.” Tobin said softly.

It was true. 

But that didn't stop Christen from slamming the door and marching for her hotel room. 

\--

“Chris... cmon.” She could hear Tobin following her. 

“Christen Press. I can't do that to us.” Tobin pleaded. 

The forward marched on. And cursed the fact that her hotel room was on the third floor.

“I can't-we can’t do this. We can't make the mess that Kelley and Hope made. I'm not a cheater.” Tobin said. 

Christen rolled her eyes at that. _Oh please. Get off your high horse, Heath. Tonight was every bit cheating._ She looked for her key card in her pockets and let herself in. She quickly closed the door, but felt the vibrations of Tobin's knocks on her back as she leaned against the door. 

“Christen Press.” It was with a defeated tone. And this hotel was so shitty and cheap, the walls and doors so thin, that she could hear Tobin loud and clear. 

“I'm in love with you. And our situation doesn't change that.” Tobin sighed. 

“I wanted tonight to be a date as much as I did way back when. As _fucking_ much as the first time I took you to a soccer match.”

\--


	2. Summit of Sensation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When she finally inspected her set up and turned to her girlfriend for an assessment, Christen felt a tiny feeling in her stomach that she didn’t know what to make of. But the soft expression on Vero’s face that had awe laden within her small smile, was sweet enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo Guys! Remember this is a side story and part of a series, so if some pieces don't make sense, it because you didn't read part 1 and 2.

\--

 

Christen intensely watched the curler that was buried within her black hair to make sure that it didn’t singe the skin on her face. She stuck her tongue out when the perfect spiral of a curl bounced and fell onto her body when she removed the iron. Every strand was meticulously placed, her face contoured in the exact spots that made her face look like a doll, and her lipstick expertly laid on.

Vero looked up from her phone and let out a whistle.

“Hush, you.” Christen chided when she put on another coat of mascara on her fake eyelashes.

When she finally inspected her set up and turned to her girlfriend for an assessment, Christen felt a tiny feeling in her stomach that she didn’t know what to make of. But the soft expression on Vero’s face that had awe laden within her small smile, was sweet enough.

“Hermosa.”

“Don’t lie to me.” Christen said with a smirk as she wrapped her arms around her girlfriend’s waist. That small feeling settled in her core, and it was dull enough that the forward chalked it up to nerves. Because today was a big day.

“Never.” Vero whispered and then planted a sweet kiss on her cheek. The touch was so soft and loving, and so characteristically Spanish and romantic, that Christen closed her eyes at the primal desire that made her neck and the space in between her legs, warm. When Vero pulled back, Christen ran her tongue over the lipstick she just applied, and her eye had this sultry look about them.

“Nena.” Vero warned. “Not now.”

“You haven’t _fucked_  me in one month.” Christen whispered in a tempting tone when she pulled her girlfriend closer by the waistband.

“OMG I STILL DON’T HAVE A DRESS, CHRIS!” Kelley yelled from afar. “I NEED YOU TO HELP ME, LIKE NOW!”

Vero attempted to pull apart from her girlfriend, but Christen was holding her in her spot, trying so hard to hold on to the fact that she was _this_  close to her girlfriend’s-

“CHRIS, DID YOU HEAR- oh.” Kelley looked on with widened eyes when she stared at her best friend from the bathroom doorway. Christen glared at her.

“Did I just..?” Kelley pointed in between them

“Yeah.” Christen said through clenched teeth.

“Okay, I know you’re angry at me, but you look so fucking fine right now and being angry while you’re horny, is just making me unsure on whether or not I should hit on you in front of your girlfriend.” Kelley reasoned.

Vero chuckled. “Hey, Blanca.”

“No hard feelings?” Kelley said with a smirk.

“Nah.” Vero said when she looked back at Christen. “She is pretty fine.” Christen smiled at her and gave her a soft kiss on the cheek.

“But seriously. I need help.” Kelley said, ruining the moment. Christen rolled her eyes, while Vero excused herself.

“I’m going to get out of your way. Let you two do your thing. And then wake me up when you need to go. Estas bien?

Christen held her girlfriend’s gaze for a good moment. _No. I need you to fuck me already_.

“Si.” She said before she quickly turned to the sink to wash her hands.

“Okay, Kell, bring what you have to me.” Christen said when she looked down at the floor when her girlfriend walked out. Kelley came back with twenty or so dresses and Christen looked on with widened eyes and she rubbed her forehead while she asked herself how Kelley could simultaneously be the MOST messiest and disorganized person she's ever met, AND have the smartest (book smart). She ruffled through the pile of dresses and then within five minutes, picked a good one.

“Shoes?” Kelley asked.

“Kell...seriously?”

“I love you.” Kelley offered.

“The ceremony is in four hours!”

“So then, help me pick some shoes. Please, I love you.” Kelley said with a helpful smile.

Picking out a dress, and some matching shoes turned into an hour and a half makeover of Kelley, in which Christen ended up doing her hair and her makeup, as well. Kelley offered to stay away from the apartment for the whole night for her and Vero, as a form of repayment.

“You don’t even live here.” Christen said with narrowed her eyes.

“Really? Because I have a closet full of my clothes here.”

“That’s supposed to be the guest room.”

“But is it, though?” Kelley thoughtfully asked.

Christen rolled her eyes.

“Hey, but seriously...I’m really sorry about barging in on you and your boo.” Kelley said quietly when she put on her heels.

“You’re fine, Kell.”

“Really? Because you looked like you were about to...eat.” Kelley said.

“Well, it’s been a _loooog freaking time_.” Christen said painfully.

“I know.” Kelley softly said.

“Chris?”

“Yeah.”

Kelley hesitated. But it was an important question that she needed to ask. Because Kelley wasn’t too sure if her best friend had anyone else to talk to about this.

“Do you love her?”

Christen took her time in putting on the gown over her beautiful dress and the stole and cords. She smoothed out the tiny wrinkles and looked at the mirror by her bed, while her best friend patiently watched and waited for an answer.

“Can you not ask me this question?” Christen finally said. It was quiet and begging and it made Kelley’s stomach flutter at the sound of desperation in her best friend’s voice. Christen looked at Kelley through the reflection for a long time, and Kelley just nodded. Because that was all she needed to get her answer.

“So..what time is Alex and Ash coming over?” Kelley asked with a quick change of subject.

“I don’t know. I told them to just text me after the ceremony. I think all of those girls are meeting up and doing their own thing. I told them not to hassle us while we’re getting ready.”

“Smart.”

“Yeah. But I’m glad everyone is coming to celebrate with us!” Christen said with a smile.

She turned around to see Kelley messing with her dress. Christen narrowed her eyes at the sight of Kelley rubbing her hands, playing with the cords around her neck, and the way she flicked at her tassel, incessantly.

“Kell,” Christen whispered.

“Huh?” Kelley looked up from the her mindless fidgeting.

“I’m sorry. I tried to get her to come.” Christen said softly. She saw the way Kelley scrunched her face, no doubt to stop the impending tears that were starting to build.

“It’s fine, Chris.” Kelley said as she put her face in her hands. “This graduation. _This time_. I’m prepared. I knew she was never going to be a part of today.”

Christen’s heart broke.

  


\--

  


“You look wonderful.” Stacy Press said as she took her daughter in her arms.

It wasn’t a celebration in Christen’s point of view. She looked over at Kelley and all of her friends and teammates and she could just see the joy and the happiness. It was well deserved, because all of her fellow graduates had accomplished an amazing feat in graduating from this school. But, for Christen, it was the first time she could take a deep breath.

No more studying. No more late nights at the library. No more grades, no more tests, no more judgement, no more expectations. In terms of her grades, of course. With everything else, that still existed, but this was one huge burden that she could get off her shoulders. The diploma in her hand was her release and now she was free to concentrate on her last attempt to play soccer.

“Thanks, mom.” She said slowly. She looked over her mother’s shoulder at someone who looked really out of place at a graduation, that had caught her eye.

“Are you happy? Are you ready for the next steps? How are you feeling??” Her mom asked excitedly. But this figure she had seen, was starting to cloud her mind, and she kept them in the corner of her eye.

“Uh..yeah. Pretty cool.” Christen said. It clicked in her mind who that person was.

“Christen! Be happy!” Her mother urged her.

“Huh? Oh..Mom, I am! Trust me, I am.” Christen said when she put her full attention on her mom.

“Good. So how was your last week with the team and all of that.”

“Eh, fine.” Christen said when she looked back at the person.

“Okay...” Her mom said, expecting for her daughter to elaborate. “And....”

“It was just fine. I’m ready to get out of here.” Christen said simply.

“Yeah, but Kell told me that they had a whole presentation and party and speeches for all of the seniors and-”

“Yeah, it was cool.” Christen interrupted.

“Okay...So, baby? Are you ready for Sweden?”

“Ma..I really don’t want to talk about it.” Christen said quickly. “Um..excuse me for a sec? I gotta go talk to someone. Kelley! Yeah, can you and Vero talk to my mom for a sec, I gotta-thanks.”

Stacy Press watched her daughter walk away, with a sad smile. Then she turned around to talk to the two most important people in her daughter’s life.

“So, what’s the weather like over there in Sweden, Ver?”

  


\--

  


“That was a really convoluted, roundabout way to get to me.” Hope chuckled.

“You obviously don’t want to be recognized.” Christen said as she pointed up and down at the Hoodie, leather jacket, and sunglasses that were placed on her eyes. Her hood was over her head, and Hope had been leaning against a tree, a good forty yards away from her and Kelley’s party.

Hope nodded in agreement.

“Thanks for not telling her.” Hope nodded in the direction of where Kelley was.

“How could I? I didn’t know you were coming!” Christen said, a little exasperated. “Can you stop doing this? I really just want you to talk to her.”

“Ceep, c’mon.” Hope warned.

“Why did you tell me you weren’t going to come, when you’re right here in front of me?” Christen asked. The hurt was layered on thick in her tone.

“I didn’t lie to you.” Hope said quickly. “I just...I just decided to come...last night.”

“Were you training in LA again??”

“Yes..”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Christen pushed.

“Because, I don’t want you to have to lie to Kelley, anymore.” Hope said simply.

Christen opened her mouth to respond, and then closed it.

“Thank you.” She said quietly. Hope nodded.

“And...” Hope hesitated. “I really wasn’t going to come until...Tobin convinced me to come with her...”

Christen was going to throw up. Panic and fear were swirling in her brain and she glared at Hope.

“What?” She breathed.

“Tobin’s here.” Hope said quietly.

“Why?” Christen’s chest was heaving.

“Why are you asking me that Ceep? You know why...And as mad you get at me for pulling this shit with Kelley, I’m equally as frustrated with you! Vero is awesome! She great. But you need to break up with her if you’re talking to Tobin.” Hope scolded.

“I’m not.”

“She showed me your texts. I love you dude, but what are you-what is your angle? What is your end goal with Vero?” Hope was searching for the reasons why Christen was doing what she was doing. The forward’s actions and words were always so well thought out, and this _thing_  she had going on with Tobin was so uncharacteristic.

“Stop.” Christen warned. “It’s my graduation.”

The two friends were at a standoff and after a few moments, Hope surrendered and nodded.

“Are you going to celebrate with us, at least?” Christen asked.

“No. I just wanted to be here for you and her.”  Hope said softly. “But I got you...and Kelley a gift.”

Christen smiled gently.

“Hope, you didn’t have to...”

“Yeah, yeah, shut up.” Hope waved her off and then reached into the inside pocket of her jacket and handed her a book titled KAFKA ON THE SHORE. “It may not make sense now, but I thought about you when I read it. But don’t read it now. Read it when you’re over there, and you’re struggling.”

Christen smiled.

“Thank you, Hope.” It was probably the most meaningful gift someone could have given her. It may not have seemed like it to an outsider, but her and Hope’s continued friendship had given Christen so much inspiration and faith in humanity, and she knew that this woman had thought long and hard on what to get her.

“What did you get Kelley?”

Hope shifted her weight on each leg at a time, and hesitated. She aired out the space between her collar and her neck, and she scratched at the skin on her neck. Christen quickly grabbed Hope’s hands and put it to her side and glared at her.

“Stop doing that. And just show me.”

Hope’s face was truly painful, and she looked out into the distance while her hand shook and she reached into the pocket again, and pulled out a Tiffany blue box.

 

\--

  


“Tobs!” Kelley yelled into her phone. “What you doing bud??”

“Kell! Where are you?” Tobin hushed into the phone.

“What do you mean where am I? I’m at my graduation, dude! The one you kindly declined to go to.”

“Yes, but _where_  are you? Did you guys leave? Or are you still standing outside?”

“Standing outside...are you here Tobin Heath?!?!” Kelley yelled. She looked around at everyone’s confused faces. She saw Stacy look at her with widened eyes.

“Yes!” It came through the phone like a hushed whisper.

Kelley looked around at all of her friends and family and then walked away to give herself some privacy.

“Where are you? Who did you sit with? Why didn’t you come with Alex and Ash?” Kelley hushed.

“I wasn’t going to come because Christen asked me not to..so..okay I see you.” Tobin said. Kelley looked up and around. “I just decided to fly in last night.”

“She asked you not to come?” Kelley asked in disbelief.

“Yeah. Just let it go. Anyways, come over here.” Kelley finally spotted her friend and then walked over.

“Congratulations!” Tobin said with a wide grin and with her arms wide open, ready for a hug, one in which the forward returned.

“Okay weirdo, now tell me what’s going on? Who are you staying with while you’re in town? And why are you being so secretive and shit?”

“I’m staying at a beach house. With...no one. And I’m not being secretive. I just don’t want Christen to see me, yet.” Tobin shrugged.

“Why?” Kelley asked with narrowed eyes. “Christen is being all hush hush. I don’t like it.”

“I don’t know. She just asked me not to come. And I think I know why...“ Tobin said as she spotted Stacy from afar. And the person standing next to the mother.

“Wait..are you talking to Christen again??” Kelley asked with widened eyes. Tobin looked at her for two moments too long.

“What are you doing??” Kelley warned.

“Literally, nothing has been done.” Tobin defended.

“Tobs..” Kelley said with a serious face. “You have a girlfriend.”

“Kell. I love you. So much. I mean, I would DIE for you, dude.” Tobin said with a grin. “But are YOU really going to give me a lecture about cheating on a girlfriend? When I haven’t cheated on my girlfriend...?”

Kelley glared at her.

“Fine.” Kelley let up. “But you're here in secret. Does that not feel like cheating? And I would know what it feels like...”

“Kell. I'm just here for her graduation. Can I not be here for a friend's graduation?”

“Do you want to come and meet Vero?”

“Fuck no.”

“Well maybe that will give you some insight as to how you are feeling.” Kelley said. A little satisfied.

“I'm just not...” Tobin tried to search for a response. “I'm just not trying to fraternize with the enemy. She plays for another country!”

“Yeah, so does Shirley.” Kelley rolled her eyes.

“Whatever, man. Shirley knows I'm here. I'm not going to do anything. Where is Christen, by the way?”

“I don't know.” Kelley looked around trying to search for where her best friend could have ran off to. “But most importantly, are you going to go out and celebrate with us?”

“Um..she probably doesn't want me to...but I do have a gift for her!.” Tobin said a little nervously. “Oh and you too!”

“What is it??

Tobin pulled an envelope out of the back pocket of her jeans.

“Wow. You got me cash. It feels like you're one of my aunts-”

“No idiot. Just open it. Later. It's a formality, you'll get the real thing in a few days. I had to beg some people to be able to give you this special envelope before you got the real thing. But first I need to know if you're willing to help me with Chris’ gift.” Tobin whispered.

“Why are you whispering?” Kelley asked.

“I don't know. But will you help me?”

“Depends on what it is.” Kelley pushed.

“Can you just make sure that she can leave the house at like 8am tomorrow?”

“For what?”

“Her gift.”

“What are you planning?”Kelley asked with narrowed eyes.

  


\--

  


“Hope.” Christen whispered. She didn't know what to say. It had been three months since Hope had flown back to France after that week at the beach house. And she knew that she couldn't meddle in their relationship, _or whatever you would call it_ , but this seemed like it was...wrong. Christen started shaking her head.

“Ceep. Stop.” Hope begged.

“Why are you doing this? You told me last month that you understood why she did what she did. Why she decided this. Y-y-you told me you understood. Why are-what is this?” Christen asked strongly.

“Because I want her to know that I'm ready!”

“Oh c’mon Hope! You looked scared shitless! I _know_  that you could give yourself to her now, but you can do it when you're ready for this! For a life here! God, you haven't even spent a year in your adult life in this country, or this game!” Christen was straining her voice and getting riled up. She knew she was meddling again, but she couldn't help it.

“This is a mistake. This is desperation. She's yours. Now just focus on yourself, Hope.” Christen pushed.

The keeper never looked up from her feet as she listened to Christen.

“I will support you. No. Matter. What. If you want to give this to her tonight, I won't question you , anymore. But her reason was harsh and heartbreaking, but valid. And she did the best thing she could do for you. Which was the space and time to do what you need to do in this life. Because all of us know. We fucking know you were meant to be number one. And you can't build up to that with a ring you bought on another person’s hand.”

“Why not?” Hope cried.

“Because the sight of her smile makes you want to break the best futbol gig that exists on this planet!” Christen yelled. It was a good thing that there were too many bodies and activity going around them that no one was paying attention to them. “Until the WPS gets better, you know that you can't build here. Paul won't be able to full time train you.”

This wasn't what the keeper wanted to hear, of course. But the words that stuck most with her was when Christen said that Kelley was hers. And she knew that the forward was right. Even Paul, the GK trainer she had been having monthly sessions with had told her to stay in Lyon. He would show her the quirks of the American game, but the facilities and resources all laid within the European clubs.

She looked at the box in her hand. Then, she grabbed Christen’s hand, pulled back her fingers, and then gently placed the box into the Christen’s palm. The forward looked at her with widened eyes.

“You're right. Keep it for me.” Hope said.

“Hope, this is like-how much is-”

“I can't carry this with me if I'm going to do what I need to do.” Hope was looking at the box in her friend's palm. “But I want someone I trust to keep it for me. For when I'm ready. For when it's time.”

Christen gave her very good friend a big hug.

  


\--

  


Kelley threw her body onto the hotel bed in the two bedroom that Ashlyn and Alex had reserved. Her feet were killing her and she tore her heels off and threw them on the floor. She texted her family some thanks for coming and that she didn't mind that they had to leave so early for Jerry’s soccer game.

The forward saw the envelope that Tobin had given to her. She got out of bed and picked it up from its spot, right next to her keys.

It was a letter.

Her eyes scanned it and her body inflated with overwhelming excitement at the words on the page and the US logo on top of the page.

She pulled out her phone to Text:

 

Omg. I just got put in the Olympic roster!!!!! I'm filling in for an injury, but still!!!!

 

When she reread the message, and put in Hope’s new number as the recipient, she paused.

Then she deleted the message.

  


\--

  


“Please fuck me.” Christen growled.

She ran her fingers through Vero’s hair and pulled the back of her head closer to her lips and let her girlfriend expertly work her tongue’s magic on her body.

It had been a drought. Or a fast. But it was mind blowing to finally quench the body’s most savage desires and receive life’s most beautiful reward. The pumping fingers, the heavy breaths, and the shaking thighs when she had reached the summit of sensation, all produced a very satiated Christen Press, who laid in her bed while her other senses started to come back.

“Nena. I have a present for you.” Vero whispered.

Christen wrapped her finger around one of the curls in Vero’s hair and ran her fingers down her arm. To caress this caring woman.

“What is it?” Christen asked softly.

“I can't give it to you now. But I will tell you. Two options. Dos. And you get to pick in the morning. Let's say...hmmm...cuatro..de la mañana.”

Christen clicked her teeth. “That's too early!”

“Yes. But it's worth it!”

“Fine crazy girl. But only if I get to sleep after I choose.” Christen said.

Vero nodded furiously and then kissed her silly.

“You know we are going to have to go to this dinner in like veinte minutos.” Vero chuckled.

Christen groaned.

“No just stay here and fuck me until I can't walk.” Christen said as she curled into her girlfriend’s body.

“Maybe not until you can't walk. But I can go again y despues we go and celebrate with your parents.” Vero smirked. “And then we can go drinking. Or to sleep. Whatever.

“Well let's start with that part about going again.” Christen said before they got lost in the sheets again.

  


\--

  


“Are they having sex?” Tobin asked through her teeth. She was absolutely fuming as she sat next to Kelley at the long table that they had reserved at the table.

“Tobi. Stop.” Kelley commanded.

“That's what they're doing. That's why they're late.” Tobin whispered so that Christen’s family couldn't hear her.

“Well shit. If that was my girlfriend, that's what I would be doing, too.” Alex said as she stuffed her mouth with the complimentary bread.

“Why do I bring you places, dude?” Tobin asked as she slouched down into her chair.

“You owe me since you didn't let me stay at your beach house.” Alex threw back as she rolled her eyes. The midfielder’s body grew tense at that statement.

“Yeah, Tobs. How did you afford renting a beach house?” Kelley mindlessly asked.

“Uh...graduation gift. Mom and pops wanted me to be able to surf on the west coast.” Tobin offered.

Alex looked at her best friend with narrowed eyes. She mouthed the words: “Nice save.”

“When are they going to get here?” Tobin asked impatiently. Her legs were bouncing up and down and this was the most un-chill Kelley had ever seen her.

“Why are you so anxious to see her? Are you going to kiss her in front of her girlfriend??” Kelley joked.

“Or I guess I can just make out with her when her girlfriend isn't looking like you did.” Tobin threw back with a smirk.

Alex doubled over in laughter while Kelley's face grew red.

“Lesbians are something else, man.” Alex said through her laughter.

“Okay. That was a mistake.” Kelley pushed. “And it would be too if _you_  did.”

The midfielder was about to reply when they all looked up to see Christen and Vero approaching the table.

Alex whispered amongst the three of them, “Okay, I thought I wasn't a lesbian, but Christen Press’ glow up with messy sex hair just defined my sexuality for me.”

Kelley high fived her, while Tobin sat in between them, her stomach filled with despair.

Because Christen Press was holding someone else’s hand.

Christen came around the table and greeted everyone, Vero in tow, and she strategically avoided coming around to her friends, “I already said hi to you guys.” She joked.

Tobin felt Alex squeeze her hand under the table when Vero had kissed Christen on the cheek.

  


\--

  


Christen felt like her bowels were going to pour out of her from the way she felt from the nervousness of knowing Tobin and Vero were going to be in the same room.

Mama: Baby. Tobin is joining us for dinner. Heads up [6:45pm]

She thanked her mom for letting her know, but then let herself sit in her bed, zoned out, from the tornado that was ripping through her mind when Vero had jumped in the shower before they left for the restaurant. She sat in the same spot until her girlfriend came out and scolded her for wasting time, and for her to get ready.

When she saw the midfielder, it took all she had to not let her smile fall. Because the sight of Tobin Heath made her want to rip her eyes out. And the mysterious feeling in her stomach that she couldn't explain when Vero looked at her when she had done her makeup, was explained. Because now when she was looking at Tobin, she realized that this was who she _really_  wanted to see her when she had gotten all dolled up.

_You can't have her. So stop, doing this to me, life. I'm not ready. Stop showing me what I can't have._

She sat by her mom and leaned on Channing while she ate some expensive salad, and tried so hard not to cry at the sound of Tobin's beautiful laughter down the table.

  


\--

  


“It's not funny, Tobs!” Kelley pouted.

“Okay. It sucks now. Since it's so fresh and all of that. But you have to admit that Ann throwing her drink in your face at a restaurant, and the WHOLE restaurant clapping, that’s pretty funny. And satisfying. For her.” Tobin added.

“Tobs, you’re MY friend.” Kelley said, but she couldn’t help but join in on her friend’s infectious giggles.

“Yeah, but you deserved it. And if the situation were flipped..”

“I would have done more than a drink. I would have kicked you right in the cooch!” Alex said, a little too satisfied at the thought (in Kelley’s opinion).

“Fine...” Kelley said with an eye roll. “I deserved it. I had it coming. But I would have appreciated it if Christen had told me that she was coming at me, I mean what are best friends for.”

The two other soccer players chuckled.

“How is Shirley now?” Kelley asked, looking for a change in subject.

Tobin looked up to see Christen staring right back at her.

“You want the truth, Kell?” Tobin said as she held her gaze with the girl across the table.

“Yeah.”

“She’s...in this moment...” Tobin turned back to look at her friend.

“Unimportant.”

  


\--

  


Christen put her fork down when she saw Tobin make her way to the front door.

The forward pushed back her chair to excuse herself, but not before she met her mother’s gaze.

“I have to go to the bathroom.” Christen said as she held that gaze. Stacy didn’t move as she watched her daughter slyly go out the side exit door by the bathroom.

  


\--

  


Tobin leaned on her jeep, while she watched a very angry Christen march towards her.

“Heath.” Christen growled.

“Are you going to yell at me?” Tobin said in a lazy tone.

“Why are you doing this to me?” Christen cried. “I-I--You said that you wouldn’t come!”

“Of course I’m going to come! Chris, it’s your GRADUATION. FROM STANFORD!” Tobin pushed back.

“We talked about this Tobs! I don’t need this right now!”

“Oh yeah? And what is ‘’this” Ceep?” Tobin asked with a sneer.

“This!” She pointed up and down at Tobin. “An unavailable, fucking beautiful reminder of what I used to have, and what I can’t have anymore!”

“Oh my god, Chris.” Tobin shook her head. “Why can’t you have me?” She asked gently.

“Because I won’t let myself. Not yet. I’m-I have shit to work through Tobs!” Christen glared.

“Well then let me help you! Let me make it easy on you! I’m telling you that you have me!”

“Stop! Stop doing this! Stop trying to help me! Stop trying to save me!” Christen yelled with narrowed eyes and wild hand gestures. “I don’t need your saving.”

“Obviously you do!” Tobin threw her hands up. “Because it’s YOU. YOU are what’s standing in the way! YOU won’t let yourself be happy! You throw yourself these pity parties.”

“You know what, you're right! I'm not looking for a pity party so go fuck off and fuck your girlfriend!” Christen screamed as she turned around to walk back into the restaurant.

But Tobin caught up with her.

“Why are you with her??” Tobin spat.

“Why are you with Shirley?” Christen threw back.

“Answer my question!” Tobin shouted.

“That’s ridiculous! Why do you expect _me_  to answer your questions, but not the other way around??”

“Because my girlfriend is all away across the globe! Not sleeping in my sheets tonight!” Tobin yelled. And they both stopped in their tracks.

Christen looked away. “I need to get back inside.” She said quietly. But she stood still.

“What, to get back to your girlfriend?” Tobin asked miserably.

“Stop.” Christen pleaded. A soft plea that signaling that something else was going on, something else was bubbling to the surface.

“This isn’t about her.” And it was so soft. And so true. If Christen Press lost the ability to speak in this moment, this would have been the greatest truth she’s ever uttered.

Tobin Heath felt it in her gut and in her heart.

“I don’t care about Vero. She doesn’t mean anything to me. Not really.” Tobin whispered. “Because she doesn’t mean anything to you.”

Christen closed her eyes as the power of the statement hit her.

“So be with me.” Tobin urged. And she pulled Christen closer and put her hand on her face.

“Me! I loved you when we were kids. I loved you when you fell in love with soccer. I loved you when you broke up with it. And, I’m going to keep on loving you till you find your way again. I’m not pressuring you. I’m not putting you on a timeline. And I’m not giving you one single pathway on how to fall back in love it.” Tobin said.

“You’re going to find it. Because you’re Christen Press. And I love you.” Tobin breathed out. “And I’d do anything for you. Even long distance.”

Christen let the single tear from her left eye fall, and she breathed in the air around her and the intoxicating scent from Tobin’s wavy locks. She tried her hardest to remember how it felt to have the calluses from Tobin’s hand rub against her cheek. She put both of her hands on both sides of Tobin’s jaw and felt the muscles clench. She looked into the midfielder’s eyes to remember what torture looked like. She kissed Tobin gently, to remember what she tasted like. She could hear the heavy breaths that escaped from them both.

And she could hear the shattering of Tobin’s heart when she slowly pulled away.

“I can’t Tob-”

“Please don’t say that.” Tobin said as her voice cracked and she put her hand over her eyes to hide the eventual tears. Her other hand slid down Christen’s arm and pulled her back at the wrist when Christen made to walk off. The forward stood in place, but didn’t turn around. She had already burned into her brain what torture would look and _feel_  like. She wouldn’t do that to herself again.

“Ceep. I will give you everything. All of me. Just please-” Tobin was sobbing at this point. “Please, just give me something.”

Christen felt her wrist burn from Tobin’s touch and she looked up so to prevent more tears from falling, and her lip quivered.

“What could I possibly give you that would make you understand that-that I _wrecked_ my life when you were gone?” Christen whispered. “That I didn’t just lose my love for soccer, but that I forgot how to be a-a-a person? What could I possibly give you that would make you understand that I need to learn how to look at myself in the mirror before I can look at the pain in your eyes?”

Christen wiped the wetness from her face with the hand that wasn’t being held by Tobin.

“A promise.” Tobin said quickly. “Just promise to meet me at 8am tomorrow.

  


\--

  


“I can't handle this! No chill!” Kelley hushed.

Alex gently slapped her in the face.

“Pull yourself together, O’Hara. We saw and heard nothing.” She said. Kelley furiously nodded her head to agree and they both quickly walked back to the bar.

“Can I get a Long Island?” Kelley asked.

“Uh, can you make it four?” Alex asked. The freckled face girl looked at her teammate for a second before saying, “Yeah, make it six. Just keep them coming.”

“So. If I were to become a lesbian, would my life be as dramatic as all of this? As dramatic as what we just witnessed.” Alex asked.

“Ummm.” Kelley thought long and hard. Just like the sip she took from the drink the bartender put in front of her. Long and hard.

“Yep. Pretty much.” She said.

“Damn.” Alex said as she took a sip that mirrored her teammate’s.

“Well I can't wait to see what is going to happen with all of that messy shit that Tobito has put herself in.” Alex said with a smirk.

“They're both in deep shit.”

“True dat.” Alex said before she took four huge gulps of her drink. “Anyways, what are your plans? Coming out to drink?”

“You mean more than we are now? Oh fuck yeah. After witnessing what we just witnessed, I have to have a beer.” Kelley smirked.

“From what I hear, you've witnessed more drama than that.” Alex said as she looked down into her drink. She wasn't too sure if she had crossed a line with this newly developed friendship with her Bay area rival.

“Well, you heard right, Al.” Kelley chugged it. Then picked up the second drink.

“Got anything to do with the Queen of brooding?”

Kelley laughed. It came easy because it was totally accurate and it was good to smile and laugh when the subject was about Hope.

“It has everything to do with her. “

  


\--

  


Kell: not joining us for the bars? [10:23pm]

CP: Nope. Exhausting day. You gave me the task of making you look pretty. That was hard work. [10:32pm]

Kell: You're seriously hurting my ego. [10:46pm]

CP: That's my job. [10:46pm]

Kell: Fine. Can you tell your family that I said bye and that you're a butt face? I love you. [10:48]

CP: Told them. I Iove you too. Please make good choices tonight........... [10:52pm]

  


\--

  


“Are you sure she's going to meet you?”

“Yeah I'm sure. She promised.” Tobin said before she took a sip of her beer. She looked out onto the black water from the deck she was standing on.

“Are you going to give her that uh...gift?” Tobin asked.

“Nah.” Hope said. “Not yet.”

Tobin nodded thoughtfully. “Dude. That's an insane ring.”

Hope nodded.

“How? Why? How are you so big time, HS?”

The keeper chuckled at that.

“2.5 carats?” Tobin asked in disbelief.

Again, Hope nodded.

“Damn dude. I need to go play overseas...”

“Go play with Shirley. PSG pays them big bucks for American players.” Hope said with a smirk.

“Maybe..so how much was it? Wait..it's Tiffany, so a shit ton.”

“Tobs, c'mon don't ask that.” Hope waved her off.

“Dude. You got it from Tiffany. You bought it so that people would ask you how much it was.” Tobin deadpanned.

“Nah! I actually got it from there because I didn't know any other place that sold diamond rings. I don't really research this shit.”

“Wow, so you probably dropped like $60k for a ring because you were too lazy to google other engagement ring places? Man, I do have to play overseas.”

Hope chuckled. “Yeah, something like that.”

  


\--

  


“Ooo! What about her? She's hot!” Kelley said excitedly.

“Okay, so I'm a little bit hotter than her..” Alex said. Kelley glared at her. “But what matters is on the inside?” Kelley then gave her a thumbs up.

“J-K. That shit doesn't matter. She's a seven and you're straight girl, who has 50 bucks on the line if you don't get a girl's number and a kiss by the end of the night. So don't be picky. ” Kelley said with a smirk.

“Fine. What do I do? Walk me through it again.”

“Okay. You just give her a compliment. Ask her if she's here with anyone else. Bullshit and ask her about the people she's with. Give her another compliment. And then ask for her number. If she seems super interested, then ask her more questions about herself and then go in for the kill. Simple as that.” Kelley said.

“Okay. Okay. “ Alex said as she tried to hype herself up.

“Hurry up.” Kelley pushed.

“Fine. I'm going, I'm going.” Alex rolled her neck side to side and then walked to the bar.

“She's totally going to get it, dude.” Ashlyn said. “You just lost 50 bucks.”

“No! She's so straight. And that girl I picked, is so straight.” Kelley smirked.

“You're cruel, KO!” Ashlyn slapped her in the arm.

They both watched Alex make a seemingly successful attempt at engaging the girl.

“Hey! Now it's my turn. I pick a girl for you.”

“Dude, no...” Kelley chugged her drink.

“C’mon. You can have fun, too. It doesn't mean it's anything serious.” Ashlyn reasoned.

“Dude...I don't kno-”

Alex slammed her drink onto the table.

“Back already?” Ashlyn teased.

“She gave me her number, but she said that she wanted to be my friend. Can you believe that?! A fucking friend?!” Alex yelled. “She said she had a boyfriend but that she thought I was really pretty. But she wasn't into girls.” The Berkeley girl truly looked glum.

“Straight girls are the worst.” Alex pouted.

Kelley and Ashlyn grinned at each other.

“Don't worry Al.” Ashlyn offered. “You get to see the master do it.”

Kelley glared at her.

“I've already picked a girl for you.” Ashlyn smirked as she pointed to a really beautiful woman with long black hair and mocha brown skin.

Kelley's heart skipped a beat.

“Go get her!” Ashlyn yelled. But Kelley wasn't listening when she quickly got up and walked over to the woman who looks painfully familiar.

She could feel her heartbeat in her fingertips when she tapped her on the shoulder.

“Maggie?”

  


\--

  


“Noooooo.” Christen groaned when Vero’s alarm went off.

“Nena. Gift time.” Vero’s scratchy voice came from the other side of the bed. Christen heard her girlfriend get off the bed and ruffle through her bags. Then she heard something like a piece of paper being slipped underneath her pillow.

“This better be good.” Christen groaned.

She still had her eyes closed when she picked up the paper, which turned out to be an envelope. That caught her attention. She opened it.

She found two different plane tickets to the same destination.

“I didn't want to bother you while your familia was here. And I wanted you to make this decision by yourself. When you were alone. So that it was what was best for you.” Vero said slowly as thoughtfully. “It may seem rash, but sometimes I think that you think too much.”

She grabbed the first one.

“This will take you to Sweden in a month. June.”

She grabbed the second one.

“This will take you to Sweden. Today. At 8 am.”

Christen quickly looked up at her.

“You're still going to play no matter when you go. But two days from now is an optional camp for all players in Damallsvenskan. Whichever ticket you don't use, I will use.” Vero said strongly.

“This camp will help you. I did it. I didn't know the language and there were two women de España. And this camp helped my transition. It may help you, too. Because futbol over there is...challenging, frightening, but beautiful. Very different than American.” Vero said gently. “But so beautiful, that you will fall in love with it.”

And that's when Christen knew.

Tobin was wrong.

Vero meant something to her. Vero was her last chance at finding her way back to her first love.

  


\--

  


“Hey sleepyface.” Ashlyn smirked over her coffee. “You break in that second room that Al and I paid for?

Kelley just sleepily smiled as a response.

“That's not fair. You knew the girl.” Alex pouted.

“Don't worry, Al. I’m going to spend the 50 bucks on a date with Serv. Because I'm so good, that I can even get him to go out with me.” Kelley ducked when a pillow came straight for her face.

“That girl was pretty hot.” Ash said.

“Yeah she's alright. She's actually pretty cool. It was nice to go down nostalgia road with her.” Kelley smiled.

“I wish Chris had come out with us. They were friends.” Kelley said.

“Oh she's probably out with Tobs.” Alex wiggled her eyebrows.

“Oh yeah! I totally forgot that!” Kelley said as she smacked herself in the forehead. “But yeah probably. I hope they spend a day at the beach or something. They probably spent the night together! Her and Tobs have a whole beach house to themselves!”

“Yeah right. They had to have kicked Hope out of her...UMM” Alex and her widened eyes look down at her coffee. And anywhere else that wasn't Kelley. Because she had just massively _fucked up._

What?” Kelley quietly asked.

Ashlyn started chugging her coffee. Alex was still avoiding Kelley's stare.

O’hara felt that helpless, yet familiar feeling of the Earth about to swallow her whole.

“Hope was in town? She was here for my graduation?”

  


\--

  


“No, Tobs. I can't take the 50 bucks.” He said.

“Nah, man. You came all the way out here.” Tobin said as she stuffed the bills into his pockets.

“Well, its only 9:20.” He said. “She could be running late.”

“I wish, dude.”

“Ummm.” The man felt awkward. “Do you still want to have the session?”

“Nah. I'm not much of a yogi.” She sadly smiled. She helped him roll up the two mats that he had set up, thanked him, and then waved at him as he walked off.

The midfielder sat on the large blanket that she had laid, with a large basket of food in it. She grabbed her old U.S soccer hat that she had thrown into the basket.

Then, she put it on over her face, to hide herself from all of the morning joggers on the beach, as she sobbed and broke down.  

 

 

 

\--


	3. Reparations with the One and Only, Alex Morgan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When am I going to learn to let you go...I’m not what you want. Not really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: Since this story is more about Christen Press, not about Preath. I read actual real life CP's blog and took some excerpts from it. They are bolded and italicized. I even have taken some of the events she described and included them in here, and may have altered them.

\--

 

 

To Christen, futbol was probably the most frustrating girlfriend she’s ever had. When they first met, they spent their evenings together, they had a myriad of laughs together, and they even experienced the insanely gripping thrill of victory and the authentic grief at the sight of an opposing team scoring in stoppage time to clinch the state title, together.

They spent their whole lives, together. As wee little ones, and through college. But at that point, Christen Press and futbol had become estranged after they had made a huge commitment to each other. It was a marriage of sorts when Christen vowed to become one with her and play for Stanford.

And after a few months as one, they were like a married couple confined into the definitions of what their lives _should have been,_ but not what they wanted it to be. Christen tolerated her and even provided for her in the number of goals she produced. She was always there for her, like a good wife.

But her mind was straying. Thoughts of resentment were creeping in, and pretty soon Christen was consumed with dread at the thought of a whole evening spent with her.

But futbol was old-fashioned. She wanted to have a _lasting_ marriage, she didn’t need a _happy_ one. And at 22, Christen Press was already ready to divorce.

 

That was, until she met Vero Boquete.

 

Because of Vero, Christen had a small taste of a honeymoon with futbol out in Spain. There, futbol was a different person. Different style, different expectations, different feelings. It felt like a renewal, a rejuvenation.

But. Just like any honeymoon, it ended, and real life resumed. And Christen had to go back to the mundane, loveless relationship with futbol back at Stanford. And back at Stanford, she didn’t have Vero.

So Christen went on a quest to find out if she could find that happiness in that marriage with the help of her lover.

But that didn’t mean that the last person she thought about when she took her last step in America wasn’t the girl that she was still in love with.

It was the one girl for whom she didn’t have to cross an ocean to find a dying love for. The one girl that would eventually understand why she did, though.

  


\--

 

Settling in the accommodations and settling in another country was more frantic and stressful than trying to settle into bed with a warm cup of tea. It was more like a crazy psycho who had been plagued with insomnia and spent their nights staring at the ceiling, begging their body and mind to just unwind and relax, but instead turned into an never ending cycle of pleas to sleep.

Christen spent most of her energy on the pitch. Because that’s why she left her family. That’s why she left her friends. That’s why she left Tobin all alone waiting for her at the end of the earth.

Because she promised her. Tobin promised her that she would wait for Christen to come back.

And the camp was brutal. There were a handful of americans, none of which she knew, out of the hundreds of women, that showed up. The style of play, the drills, everything was so different than what she knew. Futbol was a different person.

The women were nice, and their english was sub-par, but that was more than you could say for Christen’s grasp on the language of this country. She used spanish more than anything, finding it more useful to use when communicating with the internationals.

And the people were gracious enough, but the work she had to put on the pitch was the most she ever did. Her athleticism and endurance were great compared to a lot of the others, but her strength in body and mentality was lacking. Whenever she would go in hard for a tackle, or relentlessly pursue an opponent for the ball, she would easily be pushed off, and left even more angry than when she first started. In a simple rondo of 5 vs. 2, she spent the whole time in the middle, doggedly running down the ball while it pinged back and forth amongst the 5.

Some trainer that could speak english told her to relax, and not run so much, and to sit back. That confused her for days on end. When she got the ball, the pressure was slow to come, but her channels to carry the ball were clogged with defenders, and Christen had to rely on teammates more than she ever did.

She also got a harsh lesson in defending.

“I’m a striker. I don’t defend.” She said. And a bunch of trainers looked at her like she had ten heads when someone had translated her words for them.

She spent the rest of the camp as a defender in their scrimmages.

 

\--

 

She got a taste of humility with that ‘re-positioning.’ And that was one of Christen’s first lessons learned about football. But she didn't know it yet at the time.

Because when they put her back there, she grew angry and resentful and it fueled her even more to be an inexorable rock, one that would smash and decimate any potential striker that came into the box. And since she didn't have the strength, she would use her elbows and her knowledge on how to trip, as her tools. Ones that got her into trouble, and ones that got her to spend her days in the back, like a child put in time out.

She didn't ever say anything, because quite frankly she didn't know how to, but also because this was a new slate. She couldn't speak to these trainers the way she did at Ratcliffe on the tail end of her Stanford career.

And it wasn't until the last day, that the trainer who spoke English pulled her aside during a change in teams for a drill and asked her: how many defenders are on the field right now?

“Ummm... well you guys are doing a 4-4-2, so...4?” She hated the uncertainty in her voice. _Goddammit Christen, you can't even answer a simple futbol question._ And she berated herself while he smiled at her frazzled and spastic facial expressions.

“Well, you're incorrect.”

“Wait, are you not running a 4-4-2?” Christen scanned the field to make sure that she had been positioning herself correctly.

“Oh we are.” He said simply.

Christen looked at him. Unsure if he was crazy, or she was.

“Press, how many players are on this side of the pitch?”

“Uh...11?” It was safe to say that she was questioning everything in her life, and now she wasn't sure if her brain was working.

“Yes.” _Good. Got that right._

“That's how many defenders are on the team.” He said softly.

_...Oh._

He chuckled when it hit her on what he and the staff were trying to do.

“When the ball is in a goal kick for the other team, you, as the striker, are most likely going to be the first defender. So...as a striker, you are a defender. First line of defense.”

_Ah._

_“_ Do you understand?”

And for the rest of the duration of the camp, she toned down the bitterness, and for once in her futbol career, got knocked down on her ass, realizing that she didn't know this game. Not fully, anyways.

She didn't go in as hard out of anger, and focused more on what she should have been doing off the ball as a right back, to be effective. And that was hard. And she was rarely successful. And her mind was blown.

But her second lesson, is what helped her really learn her first lesson.

 

\--

  


“I need this notebook, so that I can learn your swenglish.” Christen said and gave her a coach a thumbs up.

And one of the first passages in that notebook after one of her very first training sessions said:

 **_My life lesson here is in how to learn a lesson. Instead of focusing on the criticism, I must look for the opportunity to grow_ ** **.**

That's what helped her learn the first lesson. And her second discovery, ‘that she must look for the opportunity to grow’, was when she discovered that she had been communicating with her teammates in the wrong way.

She was yelling at them on where to pass, where to go, and where she was going. And it was probably mostly driven by her excitement that she was starting to pick up on the language, but also because that was how her and Kelley always communicated to each other in their college days. Loudly, openly, and honestly (on the field).

And her coach Torbjorn had a session with her on her striker movements, and he noticed with with widened eyes, the glaring fault in her game.

“There is no deception” He observed. “You’re telling EVERYONE what you’re going to do.”

“Yeah b-b-but-”

“Everything. All of this. I've seen you've made this run before. And you're allllmost a clever player..”

_Almost. I almost wanted to rip his-_

“Go again.” Torbjorn said.

And she did. And rep after rep, she could tell that the defenders knew what she was going to do. And after the _tenth_ rep, she pointed to the spot she was going to go, checked to the ball, spun around, lost her defender, and then received it into space and then scored.

It was all about body language, subtle movements, expressions, and using the hands she had to cue the other players. That was her way to be a clever player. Not with her mouth, but with everything else.

The second after it hit the net, she made eye contact with Tobjorn.

_Well shit._

And that was when she learned her second lesson. It was probably one of the most important. Because she wasn’t here to change this country’s game into the american style of futbol. She was here to put her head down and began this lifelong journey to discover who futbol was and the kind of player Christen _could_ be. And her coach was here to help her in that discovery.

And this simple, yet staggering concept of body language on the pitch, and utilization of the skill of analyzing movements of people, were all new things to her. In conversations and in futbol, majority of communication is nonverbal. She often used this skill when observing the people around her daily life, but the concept had never translated onto the field. That was what was so mind-blowing.

She wrote later in her notebook about her coach and this lesson:

**_I find this great striker’s humbleness humbling. When I normally want to debate until I have proven to the world that I was right from the beginning and all other arguments are flawed, instead I am trying to be receptive to these new ideas and add these new skills to my repertoire.I fully intend to stay true to the player I am and the style of soccer that I love. But I can still be me with some new influences._ **

 

\--

 

“You’re smiling.” Kelley whispered.

“I am?” Christen asked, the grin apparent to the both of them.

“Yeah it’s...stunning.” Kelley said softly. “Well come in, welcome to the sweet new digs that my fat paycheck can afford.”

Christen looked at the modest three bedroom apartment that looked like it was on the lower income bracket of LA, but it was so messy and so Kelley, that the second she looked around at the walls and the Stanford and Berkeley memorabilia being plastered _on_ those walls, she knew she was going to love it. Just like she did her best friend.

“It’s so...you.” Christen said affectionately when she turned back around to look at Kelley.

“And me!” Alex indignantly called out from her room.

Christen laughed and then found herself walking to Alex’s room.

“Sup, Sweden.” The Berkeley girl called out.

“Hey.” Christen said softly as she stood in the doorway. And she gave her this _look._ And she wasn’t sure how to describe it, but it was soft and humble and demure and all that was going on in Christen’s head was:

_I’m sorry._

Her journey wasn’t over yet, but she had spent half a year in another country, and it had already overwritten the four years at Stanford on the cassette tape of her life. And the bitterness and frustration, and the raw feelings of wanting to gouge out Alex Morgan’s eyes were starting to fade out like the last few seconds of a song that Christen had gotten lost in the sound of.

She had spent months with world class players, and the realized that her whole outlook on Alex Morgan was wrong.

_I messed up. I was furious with you. Because I thought you were the girl that took everything from me. But you didn’t take it. You earned it. And it was the first time that I had to look at myself and all of the ugly parts of me, and all the emptiness around the trophies on my childhood bedroom._

Alex was an intangible monster, one that haunted her dreams and creeped into the bubble of her consciousness and made her face her worst nightmare: failure. And unlike Kelley, when Christen woke up, Alex was a far away figure that Christen had to compete with, but wasn’t sure actually existed. She saw her name in the stats published by the Equalizer, she saw pictures of her on google, and she heard Kelley and her teammates talk about her. But still, Christen wasn’t sure if this elusive and big time figure was real. And the fact that she had beaten her out for a forward spot on the national teams, indeed seemed like a nightmare. Not real life.

But as she stood before this woman, the reality and the acceptance were washing over her. Alex had been achingly friendly and refreshingly honest with her from the first time they spoke. And seeing this ‘elusive’ figure in her pajamas, with a face mask on, sharing space with her best friend, made Christen realize that Alex was a real human being.

And she hoped that her facial expression conveyed her sorrow and her guilt, and that the unspoken apology was etched into her small smile.

“Are you checking me out?” Alex smirked.

 _Alright then._ So she needed to work more on her body language communication.

 

\--

 

“How are you and Ver?” Kelley asked when they settled onto Kelley’s bed.

“Good.” Christen said simply.

“You know, I really missed you.” Christen softly added.

Kelley propped her head up with her hand as she laid and stared at her best friend.

“Spending time away from you is...different.” Kelley said thoughtfully.

“Oh? How so?” Christen asked, very intrigued.

“I’m having to...” Kelley O’Hara picked at the bed sheets and avoided her best friend’s stare while she thought long and hard. “Grow....without you.”

Christen smiled sadly.

“Sometimes, I just really need you.” Kelley whispered into Christen’s head when Christen snuggled up to her life long best friend.

“Same.” Christen said into Kelley’s chest.

And they laid there for a long time, soaking up the comforting familiarity that didn't exist these days while the two lived in two new, different cities.

“So are you finding that love again?” Kelley asked quietly after a while.

“For futbol? Yeah, it’s been a _fucking_ long adventure-”

“No, you idiot.”

“Oh. Then what?” Christen asked, confused.

“With yourself.”

 

\--

 

Christen wasn’t too sure what time it was, but it was dark, she was grumpy, and Alex was soon becoming an enemy of Christen’s (again) when she came barreling into Kelley’s bedroom, yelling her head off.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP, ALEX!” Kelley yelled and she put the pillow over her and Christen’s head.

Christen groaned when she saw the bright light on the other side of her eye lids that was turned on by Alex.

“KELL! Seriously! Wake up!” Alex hushed.

“I’m totally not going to knock whenever Serv is over.” Kelley growled.

“Fine, I like an audience, whatever.” Alex said quickly.

“Point is, the eagle...has landed.” Christen’s eyes still hadn’t opened up and she was half awake, half asleep, and FULLY pissed off that someone had ruined her slumber. And she had no idea what these two maniacs were talking about so late.

“What?” Kelley asked.

“The eagle -”

“No, I got that. So soon?” Kelley asked in a panic. Christen felt Kelley get up out of bed and rustle around for something. “Why? Ughhhh.”

“Because I...” Christen heard Alex clear her throat, “I don’t know....may have hinted...at the fact that something foreign and foxy was back was  going to be in LA..”

Christen shot up, and the pillow that was placed on her body fell off the bed.

Kelley and Alex both looked at the now awoken woman, with a look of fury on her face.

“WHAT?” Christen yelled.

“You’re right.” Alex said with a smirk aimed towards Kelley. “She’s pretty hot when she’s mad.”

 

\--

 

“Quit being such a pussy!” Alex scolded after she had slapped Christen in the face. “Get yourself together, put your big girl pants on. I’m going to pick Tobin up from the airport, and Kelley is going to shackle you to her bed-” Alex paused to chuckle, “Not because she wants to have sex with you, but because you’re not fucking leaving.”

“Alex..she fucking hates me.” Christen tried to reason. Because it _had_ to be true.

“No she doesn’t.” Alex said with strength. She glared at Christen.

“Alex..She doe-”

“Kell. Get your handcuffs.” Alex ordered. She was staring at Christen with a face of authority.

Christen watched in horror when Kelley sprinted over to her drawer. She scavenged for it, but scratched her head when she couldn’t produce it.

“Al. I can’t find it.”

“Kell. Go to my room and look in my drawer, and get your handcuffs.” Alex ordered, not breaking character.

When Kelley had sprinted off, a little too excited, in Christen’s opinion, Alex turned back around and whispered, “It’ll all be okay.”

And something about the way she said it. It was like a gift. It was a totally unnecessary, yet thoughtful act of reaching out. Christen had only had a few surface level conversations with this girl about Tobin, but Alex’s words seemed to be soaked with empathy and understanding of every thought Christen had ever had. And even though her words that she offered weren’t unique, it felt like the first time someone had actually _meant it_. Kelley’s words were equally as genuine and soothing, but her familiarity with Kelley had dulled the effect of her words. This was someone new. And Alex didn’t owe her anything, but her tone and her words relaxed the forward.

And that was when Christen truly began the reparations with the one and only, Alex Morgan.

 

\--

 

“No. Please don’t do this.” Alex begged.

“Que?” Shirley asked.

But Alex was looking straight at a certain tanned midfielder who was scratching the back of her neck, and avoiding her best friend’s stare. Alex didn’t address Shirley and she continued to stare Tobin down, long enough that she had to look up.

“Why?” She asked again, furiously.

“Al. Say hi to Shirley.” Tobin said with a hesitant grin.

“Yo girl.” Alex said with a smile. “Why?” She redirected to her friend.

“Babe. Can you go put our stuff..” Tobin handed her one bag to her girlfriend and Alex unlocked the car with the keys in her hand, and Shirley understood that the two needed a moment alone. She went to the car, and Alex quickly turned to pounce onto her friend.

“What is wrong with you, Heath?” Alex whispered.

“I didn’t tell you about,” Alex looked back into the car to make sure that Shirley was still sitting in their, “Christen so that you could pull this shit like a fucking high schooler!”

“I'm not doing it because of..her.” Tobin spat.

“Oh fuck-spare me Tobin!” Alex yelled. “Your shit isn't going undetected by me, nor is it going to fly by those fucking STANFORD girls. There is no way you're going to out wit them!”

Tobin rolled her eyes.

“Are you going to drive me back to my apartment, or what?”Tobin lazily asked. She made her way to the passenger side of the car. But Alex’s hand to her chest stopped her.

“What are you doing?” Her eyes rapidly rolled right to left to scan her best friend’s face. “You said that you had come to terms with her leaving you there?”

“I have.”

“You haven’t. Because if you did, this distraction in the form of the girl sitting in my car, wouldn’t be here right now.” Alex growled.

“Do you want me to drive or...?” Tobin said as she rolled her eyes.

Alex scoffed at her best friend before she turned around to the driver’s side, while she mumbled loud enough for her friend to hear, “I can’t fucking handle you, Tobin Heath.”

 

\--

 

“I told you it’ll all be okay.” Alex hushed as she closed Kelley’s door behind her. “And it will. I promise.”

“Where’s Tobs?” Kelley asked.

“Uh..she’s out there. Getting her stuff into her room.” Alex said with a strained voice.

“Alright. I’m going to say wassup to her.” Kelley got up from her spot on her bed next to Christen.

And Alex and Christen’s eyes met for a long time, when they both heard Kelley’s voice from the other side of the door.

“Shirley! What a surprise! I didn’t know you were coming!”

 

\--

 

“I didn’t kno-”

“I can handle it, Al.” Christen said strongly.

“Are you sure?” Alex looked hesitant. “She didn’t tell me that Shirley was coming. Are you ready for that?”

_Am I ready?_

Christen chuckled.

_Of course I’m not ready._

“Yeah, why not?” Christen marched to the door. Took a deep breath. Gave Alex a nod. And then opened the door to find out if it was true that Tobin hated her. To face reality.

 

\--

 

“I’m so excited!” Kelley clapped as she danced a little jig while all of them walked to the fields at the StubHub center.

“Chris! You haven’t been here in a long time!” Kelley said.

“More recent than you think.” Alex mumbled. Christen quickly slapped her in the arm, and Alex shut up. And then smirked.

“I haven’t played with my bestie in forever!I’m so glad they’re letting you and Shirls come and train!” Kelley pouted. And then her and Alex got into a competitive race to see who could get to the fields first.

“Those two are crazy.” Shirley chuckled.

“Oh yeah. It sucks having to stay with them for a week, right?” Christen laughed.

“Yeah. Especially, Kelley.” Shirley said with a big smile paired with a big laugh. Christen knowingly returned it all.

“So how have you been, Christen?” Shirley asked. And out of the corner of her eye, Stanford alum noticed the way Tobin stutter stepped, and then hung back a little while the two women talked.

“I’m good.” Christen said genuinely. For the first time _in a long time._

“From what I hear, someone is tearing it up over there in Gothenburg.” Shirley said.

The forward formed this abashed grin and nodded.

“Where did you hear that from?” She asked. But she didn’t need the response when she heard Tobin cough in the background.

“So you’re aiming has gotten a little better if you’re the league’s top scorer.” Shirley said, clearly impressed. “I remember back in the day, you kept hitting me when you would shoot the ball.”

They both had a good and genuine laugh.

“Yes, my aim has gotten a lot better.” Christen said.

“How does it feel to be back here in California?”

“It feels...” Christen clutched her chest. “Amazing. Donde todo empezó.”

Shirley looked at her with surprise. “Hablas español?”

Christen chuckled at the girl’s awe-struck face, and then nodded.

“You see that, Tobs? Even Press over here knows Spanish.” Shirley said to her girlfriend with raised eyebrows.

Tobin rolled her eyes, but she couldn’t help but smile a little when Christen was smiling at her first.

“What are you two talking about? Making fun of me?” Tobin pouted.

“No.” Christen said softly. “Just getting to know each other.”

 

\--

 

Christen raised her hands in celebration and smiled brightly when Kelley had rushed to her side and hoisted her up, reminiscent of the Stanford days. And it was a resplendent feeling to have Kelley burrowed into her body, celebrating a goal, on a pitch full of truly world class players on the pitch.

“Hey!” Marta yelled at her.

Kelley quickly put her down, and Christen had the fear in her eyes. Because Marta, _fucking Marta_ was looking at her with such an intensity and fire. And it was true that Christen could have passed it to her instead of going for the goal. And now she was starting to doubt everything. Because it was Marta...

"Você é uma jogadora de futebol muito boa!" The legend yelled. And Christen looked like she was going to cry. "Eu deveria jogar na Suécia!"

“Obrigada!” Christen shakily managed to say.

“Christen Press?” Marta asked.

Christen could barely speak and she just furiously nodded. Because Marta had just asked what her name was, and what was she supposed to do when the best footballer in the world just complimented her. She really just wanted to shit her pants.

Shirley shook her head. At the fact that her and Tobin’s team got scored on and also, “See, you see that Tobin? Girl speaks Portuguese, too. When are you going to learn Spanish?”

 

\--

 

“You seem happy.” Tobin said quietly and sadly.

Christen placed her hand on the midfielder’s arm and closed her eyes at how much like home it felt.

“Why does it seem like you’re sad about that?” Christen said softly.

And they were both sitting in the sand, the sun close to setting, and the shore void of people except for Kelley, Alex, and Shirley who were playing some sunset footy off in the distance.

“Why did you stand me up?” Tobin asked. Christen watched as the midfielder played with the sand in front of her and avoided her stare. She watched the way Tobin Heath pulled her arm away from Christen’s touch and put her face in her hands.

“You crossed the line. You gave me your answer. Y-you chose her. You...” Tobin looked up and met Christen’s focused gaze.

“You chose her.” Tobin repeated.

“No.” Christen threw back, equally as strong. “I chose MYSELF.” She pointed at her own chest.

“Okay? My life isn’t defined by who I’m sleeping with. Do you understand me, Tobin Heath?”

Tobin hesitated, and opened her mouth, and then eventually closed it.

“I did, what I said I was going to do. And as much as it..fuck.” Christen’s voice cracked and the tears were starting to well up. “And as much as it _killed me._ Because it fucking did, Tobin. I had to leave when I did.”

“Without a fucking phone call?!” Tobin yelled.

“Of course without a phone call!” Christen yelled back.

“Why?!?”

“Because I wouldn’t have known how to say bye to you!” Christen yelled. She watched the way something flashed across Tobin’s face.

“When we first broke up, I didn’t do it to your face! I didn’t do it in person like a decent human being would have done!” Christen wiped the frustration from her face. “And I did it for myself. And for you. Not to spite you. But to spare you.”

Christen turned her head to look at the devastating sight of Tobin about to cry. Because she knew that this was probably what Tobin looked like when she was boarding a plane to Sweden. She could see the despondency in the depths of Tobin’s core wracking her whole body. She took in the way Tobin’s lip quivered, and the way the midfielder fidgeted with the brim of her hat.

“All of this...SHIT!” Tobin yelled as she pointed in between their two bodies. “Is starting to become too much.”

“How? I’m not here.” Christen asked with a shrug.

“Yeah! You’re NOT here! You weren’t there at the beach, and you weren’t there when I had to deal with you..FUCKING VANISHING!” Tobin yelled.

Christen knew that Tobin had more to say, so she sat there and shut up.

“You left me! Back when we were in college, and even after! When am I going to learn to let you go...I’m not what you want. _Not really._ ” Tobin breathed in when the first tear fell. “And you can talk about still loving me, but you’re telling someone ELSE that you love them every night.” Tobin shook her head.

They both listened to the sound of the waves crashing and the excited squeals of their friends for a good while.

Christen got up at the sight of Shirley walking over to them. She dusted off her shorts and gave Shirley a small smile before she started her walk over to Kelley and Alex.

“No I’m not.” Christen said to a sullen Tobin.  ”And neither are you.”

 

\--

 

“So this whole week seemed to have gone smooth...” Alex said with a hint of hesitation. Christen looked up and chuckled when she saw her face.

“It did. We survived.” Christen said as she tried her hardest to close her suitcase. “It was fun. Look at Kell. All tuckered out from our adventures.”

The two conscious forwards laughed.

“You know she missed you, right?” Alex asked quietly.

“Yeah. I miss my Kell, too.” Christen said softly as she brushed a hair out of Kelley’s face.

“Well, her too. But I wasn’t talking about that one.” Alex said. “I’m talking about the one across the hall.”

Christen nodded.

“You handled that surprise guest....really fucking well.” Alex said in disbelief. “Like...I didn’t think you had it in you.”

Christen nodded again. But she didn’t say anything, and she resumed her packing, while she hummed.

“Okay, what the fuck?” Alex bursted out.

Christen looked up quickly.

“Why are you so happy and relaxed? Why are you-What is- How are you so okay with seeing Tobin and Shirley together??” Alex threw her hands up.

“I’m just not worried, Al.” Christen said simply.

“HOW?! How are you not wanting to- How do you know that Tobin hasn’t replaced you-That she hasn’t completely exed you out- that she’s not in love with Shirley???”

 _Body Language_.

She knew because of body language. The way Tobin seemed to cripple under the sadness at the mention of Christen’s absence from the american game, the way she fidgeted with her hat every time Kelley brought up Vero, the way her lip shook ever so slightly at the mention of Christen’s upcoming flight at the end of the week.

The way Tobin pulled her arm back from her girlfriend when Christen entered the room, the way Tobin’s eyes slowly traveled up and down her body when they dressed to go out to a fancy restaurant, the way her eyes always found Christen at the mention of the word ‘love’ being spoken in casual conversation.

_The way Tobin was. And still is. And, hopefully, always will be._

“I just know, Al.”

“What? What do you know Chris?” Alex asked passionately.

“That there's no competition.”

  
  
  
\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Wretched (wretchedthorium.tumblr.com


	4. To Reframe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christen sat on that. She had learned a lot. She was almost a completely new person. She was almost renewed. Where should she begin?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please excuse the grammatical mistakes. I haven't slept

\--

 

Most of the time, Christen thought about Tobin. She really did. Sometimes it's when she's settling into the night under a warm blanket and a cup of hot tea warming her hands, and she looks over at the other half of her loveseat, which is empty. Sometimes it's when she talks to Kelley, and she's reminded that she used to live a life in a country that's not the one she is in now. But a lot of the times, it's when she is on the pitch, the smell of grass in her nose, and a soccer ball glued to her feet, reminiscent of the beginning of them.

 

In other words, she thought about Tobin every damn day.

 

At first, she liked to think that it wasn't all her fault. That the demise of their relationship was a two way street, because after all, that's what everyone says.

 

And even though she struggled all throughout her four years at Stanford, Christen was starting to come to terms with how intelligent she actually really was. She was intuitive to her own struggles, her ability to read others was fierce, and her surprising ability to adapt to another style of play were some of her strengths, and not many people had that. And into coming to terms with it, she realized after much self-reflection, that she and she alone, ruined what she had with Tobin Heath.

 

It happened way before she abandoned her on that beach.

 

It happened way before she left America.

 

Back in high school, it was all child’s play. They fought, and then they made up, because they both had hormones that raged so hard that it overpowered everything. Hormones and first love.

 

But when college came around the corner and Christen was faced with the hard task of facing who she really was, Tobin wasn't physically there by her side. She couldn't be, and to no fault of her own. Because she was off chasing her own dream. Something that they both sought out to do, with the whispered promise that distance would be of no factor, and that there was an understanding that their focuses during the day revolved around futbol, but at night, it would be of each other.

 

But college was when most people faced the harsh realities of life. That's when Christen did. Tobin always had her head in the clouds, so she never really felt how much her girlfriend was struggling, how fast she felt like she was losing control on her life.Their experiences during their dabble in higher education were complete opposite. Tobin was thriving, yet left confused as to why her (ex) girlfriend wanted nothing to do with her.

 

And at the time, Christen knew that she couldn’t keep being the dead weight on the coattails of Tobin’s cape. The midfielder was destined for this game, meant to soar and Christen felt like she shouldn't have been spending her time waiting on the text from Christen that was never going to come.

 

Because they were both young 20-somethings and Tobin needed to discover herself without the girl who couldn't see past her own muddled misery.

 

But as an older Christen Press sat on this beautiful pitch out in Gothenburg, coming onto her second season as an experienced pro, she realized that she had been going about her situation with Tobin Heath all wrong.

  


\--

  


“Well no shit.” She could almost _hear_ the eye roll that Kelley had given her though the phone.

 

“Hey. Be nice.” Christen warned.

 

“Hey, I'm just saying. Did you really need to fly all the way out there to figure that out? I mean, you drove to LA on a whim just to see her..?”

 

“How did you find out about that?” Christen said with her own eye roll, knowing exactly who she found that out from.

 

“Uh. You never reveal your sources.”

 

“I know your source is sitting right next to you.” Christen shook her head.

 

“SUP GIRL!” Christen heard the raspy voice of Alex. All three of them chuckled.

 

“You know I really hate the fact that you two live together. There's too many people in that house that know too much about me.” Christen said with a scrunch of her nose.

 

“Oh please!” She heard Alex's voice call out from somewhere far from the receiver, “You’re super glad that you have TWO people who can tell you how Toby is doing.”

 

Kelley chuckled.

 

“God, I hope you two are smart enough to know that you shouldn't be talking to me on speakerphone if she's there...” Christen growled.

 

“Hey! We went to the same school! Of course I'm smart enough for that.” Kelley said indignantly. “Plus she's only here for weekends, sometimes. She's in Jersey now, remember?”

 

“Yeah well you do have someone from Cal living with you...stupid can be contagious.” Christen said with a smirk.

 

“You know, I'm going to tell everyone on my twitter, which has 500k followers now, might I add,” Christen could just imagine the face Alex was making, “that you two actually hooked up.”

 

“Fine with me.” Kelley said simply.

 

“Yeah. I'm cool with it.” Christen said.

 

“Ew. You guys are no fun.” Alex whined.

 

“Hey. It might get Hope’s attention and she might actually feel the need to answer one of my texts this time.” Kelley said.

 

“I'm sorry, Kell.” Christen said softly as she cradled her phone in between her shoulder and her ear.

 

“This isn't about me! Hope and I are old news. This is about you. And tobito.” Kelley said.

 

“Yeah, and how you realize that you've been a total bitch for the past...going on six years now.” Alex said with a little chuckle.

 

“I hate you so much, Alex. Don't believe me if I say otherwise.” Christen said.

 

“Oh c’mon! Okay. So it took you a long time to realize that you shouldn't have treated her that way. So? What are you going to do about it now?” Alex asked.

 

“I...I don't know. I..Do you guys have any suggestions?” Christen asked.

 

Silence. Christen could only imagine the two of them pondering at the table as they ate their breakfast.

 

“Ummmmmm. You could call her.” Kelley suggested.

 

“Okay, lame.” She heard Alex call out.

 

“Shut up.” Kelley called out.

 

“No you shut up! I only have you two to vicariously live out a lesbian life! You can't be doing boring shit like ‘calling’ each other!”

 

“Al. Every women soccer player is a lesbian. You could literally find other lesbians if you threw a rock out there.” Kelley deadpanned.

 

“True. Yes. You got me there. But you two have the most angsty shit happening! I mean, isn't that what lesbianism is about?? I saw the L word. That's all it's about. Trust me.” Alex said.

 

“Aright. I'll trust you.” Christen giggled.

 

“Do something spontaneous! Something risky! Or sexy. When you come here, I'll let you borrow my handcuffs.” Alex excitedly offered.

 

“Al! Those are my handcuffs!” Kelley yelled.

 

“Are they though? When's the last time you used them?” Alex asked.

 

Christen could hear some muffled noises in the background and she could only imagine that the two were slapping each other in the arms.

 

“Okay! You two! Focus!” Christen yelled. “I'm not going to use the handcuffs.”

 

“Good. Keep it simple. You're enough.” Kelley offered.

 

“O-M-G. ‘You're enough’- that is so fucking adorable. You lesbians always know what to say.” Alex said in a affectionate tone.

 

“Al, you can be a lesbian if you want.” Kelley said. Christen could hear the smirk.

 

“I want to be so badly!!” Alex groaned.

 

“Jesus Christ, Alex Morgan. Your need to fit in is mind blowing.” Christen said in awe.

 

“Hey! It's not fair. I didn't choose this lifestyle! I feel so persecuted!” Alex yelled.

 

Kelley and Christen laughed.

 

“Okay...I think this conversation is getting away from my control. So I'll think about calling Tobs or something. But I gotta sleep.” Christen said before she hung up and laid down in her bed.

 

She laid there for a couple of hours, wondering what she could do to turn back time.

  


\--  
  


It was the first week in a long time that she had no obligation.

 

Well except one. Well, two. One was to report back to the fitness trainer that she was doing the appropriate recovery sessions.

 

The other one was the reason why she was looking at this white door with the black numbers 392 nailed onto them. They matched the numbers in Kelley's text and the street sign to her right matched, as well. She gulped at the sight of that familiar Jeep.

 

She felt like a kid again. But the confidence and naivety of the younger days were gone. And she could _feel_ the weight of her mistakes.

 

Something about standing outside of a house that had perfectly manicured lawns, and located in a small town with houses that were all just rough copies of each other, made her feel...guilty. She never expected Tobin to live in a place like this. Landlocked, rigid, and void of any creativity. She didn't know how to explain why she felt like maybe this was all her fault. But she felt it in her gut.

 

Christen didn't want to knock on the door. It didn’t matter that she dropped a huge amount of cash to fly back to the states and buy a ticket at such notice. It didn’t matter that she flew thousands of miles across the globe. Because the woman who deserved it all, the one that gave her all, and got nothing in return, was behind that door.

 

But then she heard Tobin’s voice. She may have been talking on the phone, to herself, or the TV. But it didn't matter, because the sound of it was enough.

 

Christen knocked on the door.

 

\--  


“Are you still with Vero?” Tobin asked as she leaned against the doorway.

 

“Yeah.” Christen said as she gripped the strap that was slung on her shoulder.

 

Tobin quickly shut the door on Christen’s face.

 

\--

 

“Are you still with Shirley?” Christen yelled, knowing that the door in between them meant nothing, and that Tobin was standing on the other side. She always would be.

 

“Yeah.” She heard the lazy voice called out.

 

“So why am I not allowed to slam a door in your face?” Christen yelled.

 

“Because this is MY house!” Tobin yelled.

 

“Are you going to let me in??” Christen asked at the top of her lungs.

 

“Why should I?” Tobin called out.

 

Christen clenched her jaw and let the strap leave these powerful indents in her hand as she gripped it tight. She rolled her neck and felt the cracks along her spine, and she took a deep breath.

 

“Because I'm here to tell you that I was wrong.” She said.

 

\--  


“Of course you were wrong.” Tobin sad quietly when she had opened the door. She sadness was pulsating and radiating off of her body.

 

“It was all my fault.” Christen added. “I thought I was doing it for you. I thought that I needed to put distance in between you and all that I had going on. But you know all of this. You know it. I don't have to say it. You know me.”

 

Tobin bit the skin off her lip and rubbed the frustration from her eyes.

 

“I have a girlfriend.” Tobin said.

 

“I know.” Christen threw back.

 

“So do you.” Tobin said as she pointed at her.

 

“I do.”

 

“Do you love her?”

 

“Not like I do, you.”  


\--  


“Why do you think we both love the beach so much? Christen said softly as the laid back into the chest of Tobin and played with her long and lanky fingers as their toes found refuge in the sand.

 

“Mmm i don't know.” Tobin said lazily. “It's where I can love the Earth.”

 

“Total hippy answer.” Christen giggled.

 

“Says the yogi. I've seen all of the Namaste photos you have been posting.” Tobin swept the woman's hair behind her ear and planted a small kiss on top of her hair.

 

"Okay, I see you post like a thousand pictures a week of some beach or sunset or of nature. Just as hippy." Christen smirked. “But, true. It's been really helping me. A lot. “ Christen said thoughtfully. She felt Tobin lace their fingers together.

 

“How?” Tobin asked curiously.

 

“It teaches you a lot. It’s not all just stretching and poses, ya know?” Christen offered.

 

“Actually,” Tobin chuckled. “I have no idea. Like what? What’s something you’ve learned?”

 

Christen sat on that. She had learned a lot. She was almost a completely new person. She was _almost_ renewed. Where should she begin?

 

“Mmm. Have you heard of ‘The Reframe’?”

 

Tobin shook her head.

 

 _ **“To reframe is to put a positive spin on a seemingly difficult situation. When done correctly the results are almost magical.”** _ Christen said simply.

 

“Uh...okay. That's cool.” Tobin said as she nodded along.

 

“Like for example, I've been working on reframing my perspective on my time at Stanford.”

 

That piqued Tobin's interest.

 

“How so?” She asked.

 

“Well I used to look at those four years as a miserable black hole in my life.” Christen chuckled at her dramatics.

 

“It was when I struggled the most, when I hated myself, when I forgot about my love for the game, all of that.” Christen said thoughtfully. “It was when I lost you.”

 

Tobin sadly nodded at that and looked down at their interlaced fingers.

 

“But now, I'm trying to change that. I'm trying to see it as a...necessary...yeah, necessary struggle for me to go through in order to appreciate. This. All of this.” Christen said softly as she pointed at the beach and the sun, and the woman in front of her.

 

As they watched the sun go down and they planted sweet kisses on each other’s heads, ones that meant nothing and everything, they talked about their lives and everything that made them smile and sad. Christen tried so hard to summarize what life was like in Sweden, while Tobin tried so hard to condense her life experience at the Olympics. Two different experiences, but it was evident that the BOTH of them were falling more and more in love with the sport. And themselves.

 

Tobin would shyly pull Christen closer as they walked along the shore, realizing that even though it felt torturously _good_ to have Christen underneath her fingertips, there was still another woman that was in her life.

 

“Why are you still with her?” Christen whispered when she saw Tobin look down at her own hand on her hip, and hesitate.

 

“Why are you still with Vero?” Tobin asked, equally as soft, still avoiding Christen’s gaze.

 

Christen grabbed the hat off of Tobin’s head, brushed the golden, unkempt hairs back, and and let her hand slide down so that it cupping her cheek.

 

“I don’t have to be, if you don’t want me to.” Christen said as she met her gaze.

 

Tobin licked her lips, and Christen could see the sunset in the reflection of her eyes, but the beauty of it was lost in the confusion and frustration that was apparent in her expression.

 

“What does that mean, Christen Press?!” Tobin quickly removed her hand from her face. “Why do you need me to be the excuse to break up with someone you don’t love?”

 

“I do love her. Just like you love Shirley.” Christen said adamantly. “That’s why we both are here, standing 2 inches apart from each other, with a beautiful fucking sunset off in the distance, and hours gone by without you kissing me.”

 

“How is it possible for you to love two people at the same time?” Tobin asked out of frustration.

 

“Vero was there for me.” Christen said simply. “Not that you weren’t.” She cut in before Tobin could retort. “But she was there for me in a way that you couldn’t. In a way that I wouldn’t let you be.”

 

“So then what are we doing?” Tobin asked in a tone so defeated that Christen second guessed all of her intuitions. But she persevered.

 

“I’m here. Telling you that if you want me to break up with a woman that I truly love, I would do it in a heartbeat. Because I may love her, but I...”

 

Christen grabbed Tobin’s hand, cupped it with both of hers, and then breathed out the epiphany that was waiting to burst out to be proclaimed.

 

“I’m in love with you. And, it took me a long time to get on the journey to love myself. And I needed to do that in order to really _be_ with you. And I may love her, but _nothing_ compares to you.”

 

\--

 

It wasn’t on the beach. It wasn’t where the waves crashed, nor in the sand where they would get all messy. But it was in the backseat of Tobin’s Jeep, where they had no room for their legs to spread, and no air to breathe in as they gasped.

 

It was messy, it was impassioned, and it was a frenzied bumping of elbows into the windows, or their lower legs jutting into the backsides of the driver’s seat. It was clumsy, and misguided, it was perfect.

 

And the moment Tobin grabbed the back of her neck and sealed their fate with a lingering, much anticipated kiss, both of them knew that they passed the point of no return. And regardless if there was another woman that Christen was supposed to be calling out for in her pleasured moans, nothing could compare to this numinous adventure in discovering Tobin Heath's body, once again.

 

The second round of lovemaking was back at Tobin’s new home. It was after a ride home of Tobin sneaking kisses and glances of Christen Press, at every stoplight. Because when it was safe, she had to do something with her body, something to prove to herself that this ethereal woman was really in front of her eyes.

 

“Is this a dream? Are you really here?” Tobin whispered as she ran her thumb over Christen’s dark skin as they lay on to of a bed in the midfielder’s messy room. She traced the fingers on her other hand into the strands of the other’s woman’s hair, which haloed around her pillow.

 

Christen’s eyes softened and she craned her neck so that their faces were even closer, and she softly whispered, “After all this time, after every night with Shirley, am I still in your dreams?”

 

Tobin nodded as she blinked a tear from her eye.

 

“Then, I’m _really_ here. All of me.”

  


\--

 

They spent the rest of the weekend, doing nothing but dodging the texts of their girlfriends, and tasting each other like the other was a variety found at a Southern California vineyard. All sweet, no bitter.

 

“I hate that you have to leave for Seattle tomorrow.” Christen said sadly as she sat on the bed and listened to Tobin get ready in the bathroom.

 

“It’s all chill, CP. You have to leave, Monday.” Christen could hear the sadness that Tobin was unsuccessfully trying to mask. They both needed a change of subject.

 

“Hey, last night I called the hotel to tell them that I would check in today. I already paid for it. Want to go with me? It’s near downtown.” Christen casually called out when Tobin had stepped out of the bathroom. She didn’t expect Tobin to completely welcome her into her home, so before she had left Gothenburg, she had booked a hotel that she had yet to check into.

 

“You want to discover all that Jersey has to offer?” Tobin asked in disbelief.

 

“What does it offer?”

 

Tobin shrugged. She put on her Arsenal jersey and then said with a smirk, “Me.”

 

Christen pulled her close by a tug on her jersey so that their knees knocked.

 

“Then what are we waiting for?”

 

\--

 

For the both of them, it didn’t really matter where they went. Tobin would suggest a restaurant for lunch and Christen would just watch the way the sun bounced off of the midfielder’s skin, or was absorbed into her honey brown eyes. Tobin would suggest they go visit this park or this beach, but Christen would just fangirl over the protective slouch that Tobin had that made her curl inward when Christen’s body was close. Christen would talk of taking a stroll, but Tobin’s head would just wander into the clouds as she dreamed of what her life would be like if she could do this with this woman everyday.

 

“I wish I could live here.” Christen whispered as they walked through these tall trees down a path in a park called Pleasant Valley Park that the midfielder had chosen to take them to.

 

“Why can’t you?” Tobin asked.

 

“I still got work to do.” Christen said as she grazed Tobin’s chin with her thumb and forefinger.

 

“But...when are you coming back?”

 

Christen grabbed her hand and led her along when Tobin had stopped in her tracks.

 

“When I’m ready.” Christen whispered.

 

Tobin stopped in her tracks, again.

 

“I thought you said....” Christen’s face fell at the realization of Tobin’s sudden frustration. “I-I-I thought you said that you were HERE. That-th-that you would be HERE. In the states, soon.”

 

\--

 

“I just need time to think.” Tobin muttered as she fiddled with the bill of her snapback. Christen willed Tobin to just take a few steps into the safety of her hotel room, just so that she could wrap the reassurance around her like a blanket, just so that she could know that this whole weekend didn’t just get rewound.

 

“Please just stay here.” Christen didn’t fidget with her nails, she didn’t nervously mess with the hem of her t-shirt, she looked straight at Tobin. “I’m begging you, please.”

“I just need time.”

 

Tobin didn’t even look at her when she made her way to the hotel elevators.

 

\--

 

_To reframe. To reframe. To reframe. To reframe._

 

She repeated it over and over for the four hours she was awake on her flight back to Gothenburg.

 

_To reframe._

 

So that’s what she did as she meditated while she sat in her first class seat.

 

_She didn’t leave you. She just needs time. She gave it to you. You need to give it to her, too. This wasn’t all for nothing. This whole weekend was not a waste. Tobin knows. She knows how you feel. She knows you’re sorry. This wasn’t a waste._

 

Christen found herself looking through instagram. Through the pain of it all, she found satisfaction in the compulsory, numbing act of scrolling through her social media when she connected to the plane’s wifi. She caught up with Hope, went through Kelley’s instagram, tweeted something about handcuffs to Alex’s twitter handle, one that got a few thousand retweets, and then she got a notification that Tobin Heath posted a photo.

 

She clicked on it.

 

She let herself breathe evenly as she looked at it. It was a beautiful picture of a Jersey beach. She let her eyes feast upon it as she read the caption:

 

_“I’m in love with you, too. And, it took you a long time to get on the journey to love yourself. I know that you needed to do that in order to really be you. I think that I may need time to go on this journey, too.” - Unknown_

 

A thousand miles up in the air, Christen sat still as her thumb hovered over the Send button with a message typed out on her phone to Vero that said: ‘We need to talk.’

  
  
  


\--


	5. Zen Absorption

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It wasn't the same. Shirley wasn't of the same caliber. And it anguished Tobin to the point of madness, when she had to kiss lips that just couldn't do it for her anymore.

Strength. That was what Christen had been missing. It evaded her time and time again when she had to face her demons as a young adult. It seemed to have faded away when the amount of days she had lived grew in number. Their inverse relationship had landed her in a rut with her game and her love life.

But the more time she spent abroad, the more games she played on a pitch away from where it all began, the more months she spent as a single woman, the more she started to build the strength back up again.

The last time she had talked to Tobin, the midfielder didn't even look her way when she hurriedly marched out of the hotel hallway, and out of her life for awhile. Christen found this humbling.

It was strong enough for her spend the rest of her stay, holed up in a hotel room, being the beautiful wreck that Tobin said she was. But she figured it was appropriate enough.

It was time for her to bear the pain that Tobin had shouldered.

For a second she had considered holding onto the safety blanket that was Vero, but something about the beach, Tobin, and their last rendezvous had given her the strength to do what was right.

It was the first time she had exhibited any sign of _real_ grit or genuine strength.

There was sobbing, there was heartbreak, and there was even a moment in which Christen thought that she was making a mistake. But the moment passed.

Because Tobin was going on her journey, and so was she.

It was time to make the next steps. It was time to be strong.

 

~~

 

“So you think that this will go over well?” Kelley asked as they both rubbed the morning from their faces and shook out the legs that they had kept off of since yesterday was recovery day.

“Eh. I think it will be okay. We are professionals after all.” Alex smirked.

“True. But even I can't hide how much I hate you, and I'm as professional as they get.” Kelley reasoned.

“Nah. Christen is a step above you.” Alex said with a shrug.

“Is she though? I mean she could barely hide how much she hated you back in the day.”

“Yeah. And you told me that she didn't. Asshole.” Alex rolled her eyes. “Anyways, she has like legit professional experience. More than us. She's out there in Sweden, playing with her ex girlfriend.”

“Gotta have some professionalism to do that.” Kelley smirked.

The two girls joined the rest of the team for breakfast, Alex still rubbing the sleep from her eyes, and Kelley furiously demanding for a better cup of coffee.

“Chill, KO. You would think that you had already drank a cup. Or four.” Tobin said from her seat at the table.

“She's just antsy.” Alex smirked as she muttered it under her breath.  

Tobin looked on in question.

“Hope is apparently going to be in London.” Alex said quietly.

“No way.” Tobin said in awe.

“Yep. Just found out.” Alex said grimly.

“Who did you hear that from?”

“Your girlfriend.” Alex said simply as she took a bite of the mush that was their breakfast.

“How would Shirley know, though? I don't think that they talk...”

Alex looked at her with a deadpanned expression.

“I'm talking about your _real_ girlfriend.”

Tobin decided to spend the rest of their training day away from Alex.

She needed time and space, air to think about how to not shut down at the thought of the raven-haired beauty that she had effectively resisted the urge to text. It had nothing to do with Alex and her usual banter, but the subject of Christen was starting to become too distracting. She had the Olympics to prepare for.

 

~~

 

The midfielder looked at the blades of grass as her head bobbed to the music that was blasting through her headphones. The beat thumped, and so did her thumbs against her thigh as she walked the length of the goal line.

_It's nice that it's actual grass._

She let the music carry her mind afar as her whole body continued to bob up and down to the music. The green grass and the darkened sky made for a beautiful backdrop for the woman to get lost in the psychedelic trip that the music in her ears was making her experience.

Maybe by the third time she had traced the boundary of the field, she had finally reached her zen.

She had taken a page out of Christen’s book. Of course she did it her own way, her way not involving stretching or weird stretchy pants, or heightened chances of her queefing into the silence for others to hear, but it was a way that fit only her.

It had been going on for months. Every day after training, she would find herself out here on whatever field they were on, in whatever city they were in, and she would walk the lines. It was reminiscent of her teenager days when she had gotten a job as a field maintenance worker on the days that she wasn't practicing  

When she was out here, she would vividly recall the days that she had driven Frank the tractor, and had her music blasting in her ears while she found out the meaning of life out there on those long days on some soccer fields.

That's what she was trying to do now.

The meaning of life wasn't so clear now as a young adult.

It was insane to the midfielder that the joy that soccer had given her was not enough to placate the ache in her chest at the thought of the bad person she had become.

_It is cheating._

She could admit it _now._ Now that her and Christen had actually made love while she had been committed to Shirley.

It was brutal to look at Shirley for the first time after seeing Christen’s naked body lying in her bedsheets, with the Jersey moonlight illuminating all of her through the window.

It wasn't the same. Shirley wasn't of the same caliber.  And it anguished Tobin to the point of madness, when she had to kiss lips that just couldn't do it for her anymore.

The distance between her and her current girlfriend helped. She didn't think that she would be able to stomach having to hold someone’s hand that wasn't Christen's.

She wasn't strong anymore. Even after being selected onto the Olympic roster, she considered herself to be at her weakest.

 

~~

 

“Okay, but I don't think she knows you're here.” Kelley said with hesitant tone  

Christen looked on with confusion. She thought that maybe it was the jet lag, or the fact that Dawn had told her not to sleep on this half a day flight and had guilted her into obeying those ludicrous instructions, but she must have heard Kelley wrong.

“What do you mean she doesn't know?” Christen said as she forgoed the task of unpacking, and then slammed her body into the hotel bed.

“Tobin's in her own world. She never listens to the team meetings.” Kelley said with a wave of her hand. The freckled face girl slithered up to her friend and stroked her hair.

“I think she's either too focused in on the soccer, or too focused in on blanking out.” Kelley explained softly. “I don't think she knows anything about the alternates schedule, or anything really.”

Christen groaned into the bedsheets.

“I was really freaking hoping that I wouldn't have to deal with this.” Christen’s dramatic yells were muffled.

“Oh you'll be fine.” Kelley said.

“Where is Tobin?” Christen whispered as she turned her head to face her best friend.

“She's out doing her weird freaky Jesus meditation.” Kelley said with a scrunched up face.

“In her room?”

Kelley shook her head. “At her church.”

 

~~

 

Tobin jerked awake when the ringing of her phone had interrupted the soft music that was playing as she laid downing the grass.

The first thing her eyes saw was the crossbar of the goal jutting across the star-filled sky. The second was the sequence of letters on a screen that spelled out the name of the last person she wanted to talk to. She let it go to voicemail.

She nestled her head back into the soft grass and closed her eyes again to relax.

But it didn't work. It was all in vain. Because her text tone rang throughout her earbuds and she looked down at her phone to curse the wretched device  

CP: open the gate. [11:23pm]

The midfielder sat up, indian style. After a moment to think about it, Tobin pressed the dial button to call her. She heard the ringing stop, but she let the silence stick. She wasn't going to answer first.

“You know, when I came here a little over a year ago, and watched that Galaxy game with you, did you know that I had been in LA before then?” Christen asked quietly.

Tobin furrowed her brow.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, that I had been here for a couple of days before.”

“Doing what?” Tobin's asked curiously.

“I was standing outside this gate. The one that I'm asking you to open now.” Christen said with strength.

The goosebumps on Tobin's skin were rampant all over her body and she squinted her eyes in the dark to see a black shadowed figure standing outside by the fence, illuminated only by the parking lot lights in the background.

It was a little bone chilling to see the darkened figure, and to only be able to hear the white noise from the call.

“What were you doing there?” Tobin asked slowly.

“I was working up the courage to be good enough.” The midfielder could hear the soft way she had whispered, surrendered.

“And you're good enough now?” Tobin asked.

“Good enough to be put in the same camp as you. Good enough to not just be some creepy stalker watching the uswnt practice from outside this gate.” Christen said with a chuckle.

“I don't know Ceep. You look pretty creepy right now.” Tobin chuckled. Christen laughed too, and for a second it was a blissful moment.

When the laughter died down, Christen whispered softly, “Do you still need time?”

Tobin could see from a distance that the shadow retreated further from the fence.

And instead of responding, invigorated from the spiritual awakening brought upon by her introspection, she walked over to the part of the fence where she had seen tha shadow  

With every step into the grass that the thickened souls of her feet could feel, she could her heart beat in her headphones.

She could hear her skin slide across the cemented walkway to the fences and she quite possibly heard her heart explode when she saw Christen’s eyes through the lattice openings in the chain link fence.

“I didn't lie.” Christen whispered. It was silent, other than the chirps of the bugs in the distance, and the traffic noise in the background. “I'm here. In the states. Like I said I would be."

“H-how?” Tobin hadn't had time to think about the _reasoning_ behind Christen’s presence, her mind too overloaded with the fact that she was here in the flesh.

“I told you that I had some work to do.” Christen said with a title to her head. “And it's paying off.”

Tobin closed her eyes when she had looped her fingers around the holes in the fence, and she had felt Christen hook her finger in her palm without asking. It felt too good.

“I'm an alternate. So it's something.” Christen whispered.

Tobin nodded. She was too in shock to speak. And Christen was touching her.

Even though they had a literal barrier in between them, Christen Press’s touch was still strong enough to break down the metaphorical wall.

“If you need time,” Christen squeezed her finger tighter, “that is the one thing in this life that I owe you. I would give you all you need.”

Tobin looked up and could see with her night adjusted eyes in the darkness, that Christen was clutching her chest.

“Kelley told me that you broke up with Vero.” Tobin said without looking away.

Christen nodded furiously, her curls bouncing up and down with her head.

“She told me that you had broken up with her once you got back.”

The forwards stare and the step she took forward confirmed it.

“I'm still with Shirley.” Tobin said with guarded eyes.

“I know.” Christen said with a nod.

“I cheated on her.” Tobin said solemnly.

Again, Christen nodded.

“Am I a bad person?” Tobin asked. Her voice had cracked and she realized that all of this zen absorption, or soccer field meditation, none of it could compare, could bring clarity to her life, like asking the love of her life what kind of person she was. She needed to hear it.

“No.” Christen whispered.

“Why am I not? How am I not?”

“You're not.” Christen said again. “Not to me, anyways.”

Tobin put her head down.

“Maybe to Shirley.” Christen added.

“Not even just that. I-I’m an asshole for that. I know. I just. I mean, am I bad a person for-for not having the guilt to apologize to her?”

The forward looked on curiously.

“I just thought about you and the way you-...” Tobin shook her head as she stared at the woman in the other side of the fence.

“Fuck, Christen Press. How many times are we going to do this run around?” Tobin asked.

The midfielder looked at Christen jiggle the lock.

“Open it.” She commanded. And it was a loaded request. Locks were meant to keep things out, and there was a reason that Tobin hadn't put the combination in the second she walked over to the woman. They both knew what that would have meant if she had let her in.

Christen jiggled it again.

“I'm not running anymore. That's my answer to your question.” Christen said fiercely.

“I'm not going to leave your texts unanswered, I'm not going to leave you stranded on a beach, and I'm not leaving this country without saying goodbye.”

"I don't want to keep doing this run around." The forward looked her straight in the eye. "But I will. Fuck Tobin, I will. If that's what you need. I owe that to you. I'm a lot different than who I was when I first stood right here, watching you and Al practice.”

Tobin gulped.

“If you need time, then I will give it to you. If you don't want to open this gate, then I will be okay.” Christen said as she put her palms up against the fence.

“But I'm here. _All_ of me.”

Christen closed her eyes as she tried to take her words to heart, pull strength from all that she had lived and all that she had learned.

She put her forehead on the fence and rubbed the physical pang from her chest, took a deep breath, and then nodded to herself when she looked at the back of Tobin Heath as she walked away.

 

~~

 

Training was even more mentally taxing than physically.

Fitness sucked. Well, not for Kelley, but it did for everyone else.

“Yo girl. Wanna race?” Alex asked with a smirk.

“Uh...no.” Christen said with a snort.

“Why not? I already beat Kelley. Time to beat the other Tree!”

Christen rolled her eyes.

“Yeah that's the exact face I make when I think about how stupid Stanford is by making their mascot a tree.” Alex said with a grin.

“Hey Al. Nothing you say is valid because you're just a basic straight girl.” Kelley called out. Christen chuckled. Alex pouted.

“You always know what to say to hurt me.” Alex muttered.

“Oh you'll be fine, Al.” Christen soothed.

“It's hurtful.” Alex pushed. “You trees are mean. I'm going to tell your girlfriend.”

“Alex shut up.” Kelley rolled her eyes.

“Yeah. I'm going to tell mademoiselle over there on those south side fields.” Alex said with her hands on her hip. Christen tensed. She could feel Kelley bubble up with something that was trouble.

“Al.. I swear to god-”

“You know what, kiddies,” they all looked up to see Carli with her hands up like she had just been thrown into the middle of a gunfight. “Let's just all take a breather.”

“Yeah, I'd rather not.” Kelley said as she advanced on Alex. Carli decided to put her body in the way.

“Whoa. Is there gonna be another fight between you two?” They all looked up to see Tobin off in the distance with Dawn, looking at the two with her mouth wide open.

“Who’s fighting?!?” Dawn called out.

“No one!” Christen yelled back. She didn't look at Tobin.

“Just a little conversation.” Carli reassured.

“About what? You guys need to quit it!” Dawn called out.

“Just about some handcuffs.” Alex called out. “No bid deal.”

Everyone laughed, including Alex and Kelley. Everyone except Carli, who just shrugged and walked off.

“But seriously.” Kelley said suddenly. “Where did you put them?”

  


~~

 

It felt like a blow to the head every time Tobin avoidrd looking her way. It felt like a punch to the gut on the training days that Tobin didn't even say a word to her. It felt like a fucking beat down when the midfielder never showed to the movie nights that were held in Kelley's room on their days off.

But she powered through.

Even when she experienced the most crippling feeling when she had seen Tobin Heath take the field for her first cap in London, and she felt the sadness of it soak into her soul that she was in the stands and not on the sideline, she powered through.

 _Practice player. Alternate. Fourth string_.

All were humbling words, words that described her. Words that didn't hurt her as much as she thought it would.

She got to see Tobin everyday. She got to hold Kelley at night when the girl had burst into tears when Hope had texted Christen that Kelley had played amazingly.

Christen also got to see the breakout of the superstar that was Alex Morgan.

Maybe a year ago, Christen would have felt her fingernails dig into her palm as she clenched them in fury at the mention of Alex Morgan, but now, as she sat with kling in the stands as an alternate, and she was actually breathing in the London air and feeling the Olympic sport vibrate throughout her body, she had realized that she had endured. And that she had found strength.

**_The strength I'm looking for isn't the kind where you win or lose._ **

But they won.

She saw Alex get up from her knees and celebrate the 123rd minute goal and Christen cried.

Out of happiness. 

It's was okay that she didn't get a medal. Because the sight of Kelley with a gold medal wrapped around her neck and the bright smile she had on her face as she posed for a picture that Christen took was gold.

Christen felt like she had won the World Cup when she had met Hope at some coffee shop and had shown her the picture. The forward watched the way Hope's face fell apart in a puddle of happiness.

_Maybe Hope feels like she won gold, too._

 

~~

 

For Christen, it was all okay for now. She was an athlete and a professional, and of course she would hunger for more, but she still had time.

And the way Tobin put her forehead against her own when they had ran into each other at three in the morning in an empty hotel hallway, had given her enough.

She could feel Tobin's lustful grasp for her hip and the loud way she breathed in her hair, and the soft way she whispered, “Don't leave without saying goodbye.”

She could recall all of that when she was on her flight to Tyreso. Her new city, her new club. The contract had been drawn up while she was in the states, and now she was on her way to sign it.

And so, Christen didn't. She didn't leave without seeking a goodbye.

As a matter of fact, on the day that her and Kling were supposed to fly out, she had sought Tobin out first before she tried to find Kelley before her departure from the hotel.

She had dragged her suitcase and let it lean against the hallway wall even though it was dangerously full and was on the verge of tipping. She wrapped her knuckles on room 725 and her heart beat super fast when she heard footsteps on the carpet inside.

“Oh hi!” Christen called out.

“Christen!” Shirley called out in delight as she closed the door behind her.  

“Hey...” Christen still wasn't sure how much the woman had known about everything. “Is Tobs around?”

“No you know what, she's out walking with Alex and Kelley to some coffee shop or something.” Shirley said with a wave.

“They went searching for some coffee after the night she had.” The woman winked.

“Ah! Okay! Well I guess I'll just have to catch them later.” Christen tried to keep a smile on her face, but inside, she was feeling the torture grind what used to be her heart.

“Okay. I'll see you later then.” Shirley said before she had closed the door.

Christen felt it. She could feel herself trying to accept it. She had done this to Tobin. It was her turn. She had to endure it all  

**_I'm not after a wall that'll repel power coming from outside. What I want is the kind of strength to be able to absorb outside power, to stand up to it. The strength to quietly endure things -- unfairness, misfortune, sadness, mistakes, misunderstandings._ **

After a minute of picking up the pieces, Christen put a firm grip on her suitcase handle.

_I can do this. It's okay._

She rolled her luggage away to the elevator, braced herself when she waited as it descended, and then waited in the lobby for her new teammate to join her.

Her mind was bustling about and she decided not to text Kelley or Alex, figuring that they were all too busy getting that coffee. Hope had no doubtedly been on a flight back to France at the moment, so she gathered that strength alone. She zoned out and meditated while the suitcase leaned against her leg.

She only opened her eyes when she head Kling call out to her that the limo was waiting. They loaded in as the driver took their suitcases. As she sat in the leather seats and listened to her friend talk about the excitement of a new city and new challenges, she realized and remembered that Tobin Heath was on her journey. It would be okay.

Christen Press finally had the strength to not look back.

But if only she did.

 

~~

 

“Nena, who was that?” Tobin called out through her mouth full of toothpaste.

“No one.” Shirley called back. “Just housekeeping.”

“Cool cool.” Tobin said as she continued to brush her teeth. The midfielder took out her phone.

Tobs: do you know what time Chris’ flight is [9:23am]

ALEX MORGAN HAS DONE IT: fuck..Kell says she should be leaving now... totally forgot. Hungover [9:25am]

Tobs: WHAT?? She didn't say goodbye??? [9:25am]

ALEX MORGAN HAS DONE IT: no. You check the lobby. I'll go to her room. Go! [9:25am]

Tobin didn't even look at the girl in her bed when she had sprinted out. The elevator took too long, it's agonizingly loud creaks and the turtle paced turn of it's needle that signified the floor it was on, was too slow for Tobin Heath. She flew down the seven flights of stairs.

Amidst all of the guests and the hotel staff and the suitcases being rolled around in the lobby, the midfielder was able to spot the black mane of Christen Press being lowered into a black car.

Then, she saw the door close.

She sprinted.

The harsh feeling of the asphalt under her bare feet when she had skidded to a halt was nothing compared to seeing the trunk of that car, turn the corner.  

 

~~

 

“Tobey, Tobs. You see her?” Kelley asked when she had stepped out of her room to see the midfielder sitting alone in their hallway.

She shook her head.

“That's weird, dude. She told me last night that she was going to say bye to you.”

“Well she didn't.” Tobin said sullenly.

“Sorry dude.” Kelley muttered. She sat down next to her friend.

“If it makes you feel any better, she didn't say goodbye to us. And we room right next to you, so she may have just gotten cold feet and avoided all of us or something.” Kelley said quietly. That saddened her.

“O’Hara! Get your ass back in here and clean this throw up!” They both looked to see Alex bursting out of their room, a messy sheet in her hand.

“Al.” Kelley glared at the forward, and nodded towards a very obviously sullen Tobin.

“Oh.” Alex recoiled. “Are we talking about feelings? I don't like those.”

“Yeah. So clean up YOUR throw up, you hot mess!” Kelley threw back.

Alex waved her off.

“Whoa. Wait.” Tobin said suddenly. Her chest thumped loudly and she looked at both of them with a furrowed brow.

_No. She wouldn't do that._

“Housekeeping hasn't come by your room?”

Alex and Kelley looked at each other.

“No. Why?” Kelley asked.

 

 

~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Wretched


	6. Ditch me now, like you ditched me back then

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The wind was biting and and elements unforgiving, but Christen Press couldn't have been happier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Totally stole some lyrics from a song. Feel free to guess what the song is. Also, I'll totally edit later.

 

  
“Call me. I...”

Tobin sighed. The screen of her iPhone stuck on to her cheek as she paced in circles and looked at the brown carpet below her feet. She just breathed in and out, only faintly registering the fact that the voicemail was still being recorded.

“Just tell me if you came by.” Tobin said when she put her forehead on the plastic face of the candy machine that was by the alcove that Tobin had taken refuge in. “It's important. I just want to know.”

Before she made to hang up, she looked down at her phone. She hesitated.

“I'm still in this. I hope you are too.” She whispered

She could hear the shower running when her hotel room had shut closed behind her. She scanned the room and tried to memorize where everything was. Her suitcase was still in the corner, her clothes from last night still strewn about on the floor, and her sheets ruffled and in a mess from her and Shirley’s bodies as they laid 3 feet apart, but miles away.

She tried to commit this sight to memory. She tried to look at how the objects in their life had been strewn about in the last hour of their life together.

Tobin sat on one of the chairs and zoned out on the floor and bit the skin around her fingernails. She didn't even hear the shower being turned off. Tobin didn't even hear the soft padding of Shirley's feet on the hotel carpet. The midfielder didn't even hear the zip of her girlfriend's suitcase as the woman rummaged for some clothes.

“So I know that we have one last day before we head out, but are we still hanging out with Alex and Kelley?”

Shirley looked up when there was no response. She could see that Tobin was off in her own world, her eyes glued to the screen of her phone that she had pulled out of her pocket.

“Tobs? I asked you a question, are we on-”

“We’re done.”

“Huh?” Shirley unwrapped the towel from her soaked hair and looked at her with confusion.

“We’re done.” Tobin said slowly.

“With what?”

“This.” Tobin said furiously as she pointed at their suitcases, the bed, and all of the shit around them.

“Okay...yeah I'm pretty tired,too. We don't have t-”

“No.” Tobin put her hand on her chest to tame the rapid rate that her heart was beating. The air that had come out her nose like an angry bull was loud enough for the both of them to hear.

She looked around at their life, their things, and their mess for one last time.

“I'm done with you.”

 

 

\--

 

  
“I can't answer that question.” Ashlyn shrugged.

“Dude. That's gotta be the stupidest thing I've ever heard.” Kling said as she tied the laces of her cleats.

“Yeah, it doesn't make sense.” Ali said with narrowed eyes.

They all went through their respective routines to get ready for the match, putting on their gear and their boots, chatting, and messing around as they waited for the other team to file into the stadium.

“Do you think that enough time has past for me to ask Chris straight up?” Ashlyn asked slowly.

They all looked at each other, too lost for the solutions, too tired of the shitty situations, and too helpless to make any real change in the their friend’s love life.

“Anyways,” Ali said after a big sigh, “We have a lot to deal with today. KO’s here.”

All three of the players looked on and watched their freckled face friend and Christen Press chatting on the other sideline.

“How is it, that those two have the most fucked up love lives that anyone could ever imagine?” Kling asked. “How come they can’t figure out their shit like you two did? It’s not like it was that hard, right? You love each other. Bam!!”

Ashlyn and Ali looked at each other for a second, before they busted out laughing.

 

  
\--

 

 

  
“Hey. Go easy!” Christen said as she tugged really hard on the arm of Hope.

“Don't tell me what to do.” Hope angrily swung her arm back, but she forgot that Christen had a strong bearing on her mental state of mind. No one had the ability to tame her in her spot quite like her friend in this moment.

“You can't be upset.” Christen growled.

“How the fuck not??” Hope spat as her blood burned and stung all that was left, all that she could still hold onto, all that Kelley still hadn't taken from her.

“I know that you have been missing her.” Christen defended.

“Fuck off, Chris. You blindsided me with this!”

“You knew she was coming.” Christen said gently.

“I didn't know it was going to be today!” Hope said.

“Yes you did.” Christen said quietly. It was said with such certainty that the air grew thick, the facial features in the keeper grew rigid and alert, and all of a sudden, everything felt like an accusation.

“Why is that in your hand?” Christen said quietly and knowingly. The little bundle that Hope’s long fingers had wrapped around had been on the forward’s radar ever since the Lyon players had emerged from the den of their locker room. Christen’s eyes had immediately found the way Hope was guarding something in her hands was very strange, and from across the pitch, next to a hyper aware Kelley, Christen felt something twist in the pit of her stomach.

“What are you doing?” The hint of panic in the forward’s voice was evident.

“I’m going to get rid of it.” Hope said.  
“How?” Christen quickly threw back.

“I’m going to tell her that I wasted my life on her and let her have this stupid fucki-”

“Stop being dramatic.” Christen warned. “Keep it.”

“No.” Hope said resolutely. “I’m done. It's been years, Ceep. I’m done. It’s time to move on.”

“So then why are you gonna throw it in her face like you’re angry and hurt?” Christen asked quietly. She looked around to make sure that Kling had in fact occupied Kelley’s attention. It took some time to hold Kelley down and tether her to the real world. Christen had seen the flared nostrils of Hope Solo 120 yards away, and it was evident to her (not Kelley) that this reunion was not gonna go well.

Hope didn’t respond. She just gripped the box in her tighter.

“It’s because you’re still angry and hurt.” Christen whispered.

“I fucking know that, Chris.” Hope said with an eye roll.

“IF you want to move on, then move on. But if you’re still angry...you’re not there yet.” Christen said passionately. “And I didn’t give it back to you so that you could be a dick. Okay? You told me that you were going to give it to her...”

“Yeah, until I found out that she was messing around with some chick from Unde-”

“Oh okay, Solo. So you haven’t slept with anyone else? C’mon...” Christen said with an exasperated sigh.

Hope sighed. She knew Christen was right, but it seemed that nothing was going to fall in place. Not for her and Kelley.

“Regardless, this shit wasn’t meant to be, Ceep.” Hope said with a tone of frustration. She handed the Tiffany box to her friend.

“I want you to take it back. And get rid of it for me, then. For real.” Hope said.

 

 

  
\--

 

 

“I told you that I left them in your drawer!” Alex hushed into the speaker of her phone that was cradled into her neck. She dragged the suitcase up the second flight of stairs and seriously worried about her fitness level for a second as she breathed heavily when she got to the landing.

“I don’t see them!” She heard Kelley’s voice whine.

“Kell, what do you even need the handcuffs for? It’s not like you’re sleeping with anyone..” Alex said with a smirk.

“You shut your face, Alex Morgan. I just had a....bad experience with Hope... I'm not in the mood.”

“Ugh! I’m too fatigued from you lesbians.” Alex shook her head as she searched for the apartment number 2317.

“Not glamorous for you, anymore?” She heard the smirk in Kelley's voice.

“It's too much. You guys are too much.” Alex said with an eye roll. Her face only brightened when she had spotted the apartment she had been looking for. The one that was unnecessarily far away.

“Wait. So if you just had a bad experience with Hope, why are you not mopey pants like you usually get?”

“Because she still loves me.” Kelley simply said.

“I don't understand.” Alex said as her fist hovered over the door.

“Listen. Just tell me where you left them.” Kelley said impatiently.

“When you tell me what you meant.” Alex challenged.

She heard Kelley sigh.

“Hope’s still angry with me.” Kelley said simply.

“Duh.”

“So that means she still loves me.” Kelley said with a soft and gentle tone. Alex could hear the reassurance and confidence in her voice even a thousand miles away. “I still have her, Al.”

Alex sighed.

You guys are too much.

“Alright, Kell. Whatever you say. I gotta go.”

She hung it up without waiting for the response, and knocked on the wooden door. Finally she would be able to sit down on some couch and get a break from the 11hr flight and the bumpy ride in a cab, and the creepy French cab driver who kept eyeing her in his rear view mirror.

“Open up Tobs! I'm here!” Alex yelled at the top of her lungs by the third set of knocks she had laid on that door.

“I fucking- I swear Tobs, if you're sleeping....”

Three minutes had passed, and Alex was so close to chucking her luggage over the rails out of frustration.

“TOBIN HEA-”

She quickly regained her composure when the door swung open slowly.

“Fucking thank you! I've been-”

She quickly shut up and even dropped her phone in her hand at the sight of someone who most definitely was not Tobin Heath.

“Hey....”

“Sup Alex!”

Alex Morgan smiled, but it was clouded in disbelief. It was bewildered amusement. Like Alex was getting ready for the explanation that was obviously going to be needed.

“Shirley. What are you doing here?” Alex nervously chuckled.

 

 

  
\--

 

 

The wind was biting and and elements unforgiving, but Christen Press couldn't have been happier. The spring in her step, the extra oompf in her kicks, and the hint of excitement, the twinkle in her eye, were all products of every breath, every drop of sweat she had produced up until this point.

“Can you just chill.” Alex groaned when she had set back up on her line for the 1v1 drill that had been set up.

“Are you serious, Alex Morgan? THE Alex Morgan wants me to go easy on her?” Christen smirked.

Alex narrowed her eyes.

“Ooooooo” Kelley yelled off from a distance. “Bay Area challenge! Too bad I won that years ago!”

Christen and Alex both brushed her off.

“Hey! Nobody puts baby in a corner!” Kelley yelled.

Both Alex and Christen both went at it, more intense than ever. Their legs working hard into the ground, and their sweat dripping ten times faster than anyone. The ball had been turned over more times that a tennis ball being whacked back and forth in the British Open.

“Well, shit.” Ali said as her and Kelley paused there own 1v1 game going on. Pretty soon, the whole squad had followed suit and they stood there and watched The two forwards continue to go at it.

“Wouldn't this be exciting if Kelley had joined in and it had become a free for all?” Julie whispered to the group.

“Nope!” Kelley said with a grin. “I'm a defender now.”

“Yeah. A shit one.” Dani said with a smirk.

“Hey!” The goalkeeper protested when she felt the stitches of the ball imprint on the skin of her thigh.

They all watched with intensity and silence for the remainder of the 45 seconds left for one of the great forwards to dribble across the line for a point, for a win. It was a battle.

Even Pia had joined in on the observation.

Christen had Alex on her back and the ball on her left foot. It wasn't even a decision she could process, just an instinct developed out of years of practice, that Christen had pulled it back with the sole of her foot and pushed the ball in between Alex’s wide stance.

“Oooooooo!” The cheers and shouts of approval erupted and that drove Christen’s lunging body, with the ball at her feet, across the dribble line, with Alex Morgan in her dust.

She stopped the ball, took a deep breath, and then met Alex’s eyes.

“Let's go again.”

 

 

\--

 

 

“Yoga?” Alex sleepily rubbed her eyes and waited for her roommates response.

Instead of answering, Christen leaned over the edge of her bed and blindly reached for the yoga mat that had been neatly rolled and stowed away underneath the bed.

After brushing their teeth, and rubbing the sleep from their eyes, the two ventured down the hall to go wrangle Kelley, and they made their way down to the lobby and out onto the sand.

“Don't make me do it.” Kelley said sleepily as she threw her hood over head and laid face down on the yoga mat that Christen had bought her as a birthday gift last year. Alex and Christen heard her snores make a soundtrack with the breaking sunrise waves.

The two forwards followed the routine in silence and in beat with each other. They watched the sunrise as they focused on their breathing, their stretches. They cleared their minds as Kelley laid there like a log.

“She's adorable.” Alex said affectionately when they had sat back on the heels of their palms and and took in the beautiful, young sun.

“She is.” Christen said as they both looked on at the rise and fall of Kelley's body.

“When is Hope going to come back?” Alex whispered.

Sadness filled Christen’s face. She shook her head. She didn't want to say it. Not when Kelley was right there.

“Is she...coming back?” Alex asked without looking at her friend. She didn't want to see the response, she wanted to hear it.

“I don't know, Al.” Christen sighed. “She gave me the box, back.”Alex whipped her head around to face Christen.

“THE box?” Alex demanded.

Christen nodded.

They both stared out onto the ocean that had turned into a comforting sea green. They both stared at it like maybe the answers were in that vast, mysterious abyss.

But it was pointless.

Alex made an attempt to change the direction of the conversation.

“Why do you think Kelley likes to spend so much time in that water? Infested with sharks and creepy things with tentacles?”

Christen chuckled.

“I actually know exactly why.” She said with a satisfied grin.

Alex cocked her head in interest.

“Her and Tobs actually got into surfing back home before we all headed out to college.”

Alex nodded knowingly.

“So this was all Tobs’ doing?” Alex asked.

“Plus,” Christen added thoughtfully, “one time, back when we were still kids and Tobs was trying to teach me how to surf, I had resorted to just sitting on her board and watching them two try to catch a wave. And Kelley had paddled up next to me, and I don't know why she had stopped, but she just sat with me in the water.

And out of nowhere she just asked me how big I think the ocean is.

I was like ‘uhh. Fucking huge’

And she just stared off into the distance like I had given her the answer to life.”

The two chuckled. They took another look at the adorable human being who had curled up on her mat, safe and sound in her own dreams.

“And then she asked me if anyone has ever swam across the ocean to another country.” Christen said sadly.

“I think that back then, kid Kelley created this thought in her head that if she conquered the ocean, she could conquer the thing that put space in between her and Hope.”

Alex felt this strange feeling in her chest. Like maybe it was her heart. She didn't know she had one of those. She looked at the sleeping figure.

“I want her to have a happy ending.” Alex whispered.

“So do I.” Christen softly agreed.

“I want you to have one, too.” Alex said quietly as she dug her toes into the sand.

“It will come.” Christen said with a tone of vigor. “I've been at the lowest of lows. And now I'm at the Highest of highs.”

“Yeah, cause you're in California.” Alex said with a smirk as she pretended to roll a joint.

“But seriously. It will happen.” Christen pushed. “When she comes back from her loan and joins us in the next camp, it will happen. I can feel it.”

All of a sudden, Alex could feel the itchiness in her skin, and the guilt gnaw at her mind.

It was chipping away.

“Okay. I feel like I'm being a bad friend.” Alex said in a panic. Instead of waiting to see Christen’s confused face, or whatever response she could have come up with, Alex continued.

“I've known this for a month now.” The forward gulped. “It was when- i don't know... it caught me by surprise! I didn't know that she was still living with her- I mean that's insane! NO ONE knew, Chris! No one knew! I mean, no one KNOWS. I didn't know!”

“What are you-”

“I mean I thought that she had dumped her. Right? Like that did happen?”

“Al.” Christen said calmly. “What are you talking about?”

Alex gulped. Again.

“I went to Paris.”

“I know. And...?” Christen asked slowly.

“I visited Tobin.” Alex said slowly.

“Yes. We all know that.” Christen reassured.

“And I found out that she has a girlfriend!” Alex blurted out.

Christen choked on her spit.

“Tobs has a girlfriend?”

The two forwards whipped their head around at the sound of Kelley’s groggy and tired morning voice.

“Who?” Kelley asked as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

Alex rubbed her hands together.

“Who do you think?”

 

 

\--

 

 

Tobin's eyes were widened and her posture rigid when she emerged from what only Alex could assume was the love den of Shirley and her friend.

Tobin looked like she was caught.

And she was.

“Alex, I haven't seen you in forever! Do you want something to drink?” Shirley asked excitedly.

The forward, too flabbergasted to really respond, just nodded her head.

Alex was left alone in the small living room apartment with Tobin Heath.

The silence was charged for a second.

“What the fuck?” Alex growled.

She gripped the handle of her suitcase so tight, like it was the throat of the girl she was staring at. She couldn't believe what she had walked into.

“Al-”

“Fucking explain, Heath.” She growled.

But Tobin couldn't. She stood there stammering, not really producing coherent sentences. Alex Morgan's famous death glare was making her squirm, and the realization that Shirley was going to come back in the room was making her feel more pressure than a penalty kick.

“How long have you been lying? TO ALL OF US?” Alex raised her voice a little higher.

No response.

“You never broke up with her, did you?”

Alex didn't expect a response to that question. And she didn't get one.

“My god.” Alex whispered. “How fucked up are you?”

Shirley came in the room with a glass of water and effectively saved Tobin from a what she felt like was a barrage of attacks coming from her best friend.

Alex kept on the friendly face, with the tense body. She carried on the conversation with Tobin’s assumed girlfriend and fished for the answers to this strange situation she found herself in.

She only half heartedly listened to Shirley talk about their season at PSG. Alex kept an eye on Tobin's reactions, and the other on Shirley's face.

“Of course. Driving to the pitch is super easy, since Tobs and I live 5 min away from the pitch.”

“Oh!” Alex looked at Tobin. “So you both live here??”

“Al... not that I don't mind that you're here. But I thought you were showing up tomorrow..” Tobin finally spoke.

“Tobs! Don't be rude!” Shirley protested.

“Oh no. She's right. I just wanted to surprise her.” Alex offered.

“Who knew I was going to be the one that got a good surprise.” Alex said before she took a sip of her water.

“Don't worry Al. I'll be outta here tonight. I know how much catching up you guys need to i'm just gonna tell Laure that I'm sleeping a night earlier than expected. ” Shirley said with a smile.

“Yeah. We have a lot of catching up to do.” Alex said with a nod.

 

 

\--

 

  
Kelley knelt down and touched the artificial turf of the stadium’s pitch. She breathed in the familiar air. She closed her eyes and felt what it was like to stand in the stadium of her city.

“Isn't it cool to be back?” Pinoe whispered.

There would always be one piece missing, but it didn't take away from the fact that they were playing in the very stadium where they watched the women's professional team play.

Nothing could take away the fact that Kelley had made it.

“It's cool to be back.” Kelley agreed.

Players were light on their feet and the tone was silly and joyful. It was a friendly against Russia, one that was scheduled just so that the women could grease their engines, and rev it up for the main event, the World Cup.

When Kelley, Tobin, Christen, and the rest of the team found out that it was going to be in the venue right down the street from the childhood homes, the immediately spread the word throughout their social media, and pretty soon, it was as if the whole town had bought a ticket.

The had gone through the warm ups and lackadaisically wandered around the pitch, while the Russians feared from the other side of the pitch, and the fans and family cluttered the stands. The environment was so relaxed that Kelley and had found time to get a quick hello from Erin and the family.

The converted forward settled into the unfamiliar mindset of starting the game on the bench to give the weaker and newer players some minutes, and then wandered off to find the restroom in the US locker room.

She skidded to a halt and stayed perfectly still when she heard the voices of her teammates. Kelley made sure to hide her whole body from view from the voices in the locker room.

“If I'm gonna fall in, I'm gonna fall ALL in.” Kelley heard Christen’s voice say.

“But it goes the other way, too.” Christen whispered.

Kelley could hear the sound of cleats scraping against the floor, and a small thud against the lockers.

“Stop.” Tobin pleaded.

Kelley craned her neck around the lockers so that she could see a tiny sliver of what was going on.

“You know we had our first date here.” Christen said quietly when she has been trapped by Tobin’s arms, ones that were one either side of her.

Tobin nodded.

“You're going to ditch me now, like you ditched me back then.” Christen growled.

Tobin put her head down.

“I'm still in thi-”

“Like I said, Heath. It goes the other way too. If I'm gonna fall OUT, I'm gonna fall ALL out.”

Kelley silently gulped. Her desire to pee had been forgotten.

“You knew what she did.” Christen whispered. “And you're still with her.”

“I couldn't get rid-”

“You know, Heath. I know you.” Christen said with narrowed eyes. “I know that you're passionate about things you love to the point that anything else just seems pointless. That's who you are.”

Christen shook her head in defeat.

“I'm just so clearly not one of those things.”

“That's so not fucking true!” Tobin yelled.

Kelley debated on if she should intervene. The emotions were rising.

“You lied! You said that you had broken up with her!” Christen yelled back.

“I did.” The midfielder said in a weak and defeated tone.

“And so naturally that means she lives with you?!” Christen threw back.

“Chris.” Tobin begged. She held the forward back with an embrace and pleaded, “I didn't know what to do. She was so heartbroken! It hasn't been going on for long! I-”

Christen broke away from Tobin's touch.

“You know, you asked me one day as to when you were going to learn how to let me go.” Christen said quietly.

“Well, today's the day.” The forward growled.

“I'm not going to let go.” Tobin growled back. “You said you would give me time. Just like I gave you more than four fucking years to find yourself!”

“Let me go.” Christen was already crying.

“No.”

It was back and forth. Pleading and protesting. Kelley felt her heart squeeze. The heartbreak felt very familiar. It felt close to home.

“Let me go, Tobin Heath.” Christen said for the fifteenth time. But something about this time was said differently. It was not defiant, it was broken.

“Why?” Tobin begged.

“Because there's nothing left to hold onto.”

Kelley heard the game whistle, and then she heard the door open and the sound of a pair of cleats jogging, the footsteps fading away.

The crowd was roaring, it was going wild. The volume was deafening.

But to Kelley, nothing was louder than the sobs of a kneeling and broken Tobin Heath.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

>    
> \- Wretched (wretchedthorium.tumblr.com)


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